


let me love you as you are

by Anonymous



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Dissociation, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Kinda, Long Distance Boyfriends, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sapnap Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF), but its not really a huge thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:00:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 23,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28943352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Please look at tage for tw!! Sapnap had never been thin, even if no one would tell him outright he was fat, he knew.
Relationships: Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), GeorgeNotFound/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 106
Kudos: 968
Collections: Anonymous





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> please look at the trigger warnings in the tags and stay safe!! 
> 
> disclaimer: I don't actually believe dreamnotnap is a thing, nor do I condone any harassment that any CCs receive based, particularly on their sexualities. This is a SFW fic about adult CCs that consent to having fan works made of them, I will never write a work that doesn't fit this. If the CCs request that fafics of them are taken down I will delete this.

Sapnap had never been thin. Ever since he met Dream when he was 11, he’d always been chubby. When he was a kid, he just liked snacks a lot. And good carby foods like pasta and garlic bread that made you feel warm and full, almost like there was someone there to hug you.

“Puppy fat” his mom had called it. Until he never grew out of it, that was. Not many people outright called him fat, and sure, he wasn’t obese, but he couldn’t help but hate his weight. Sure, he was strong, but not like Dream who was tall and lean, instead he was short – but not in the cute way George was. Instead, he was podgy.

And that’s when the intrusive thoughts came back again. They had quietened a lot since he had started dating Dream and George, and were easier to ignore, but all of a sudden, they were loud and clear.

 _Why do you have to be so fat? I love George more – he’s smaller and cuter and easier to carry._ Dream snarled.

 _Nick, please stop eating so much, its disgusting. You’re disgusting._ George preened. 

“Stop it!” He shouted, eyes welling up. But he knew they were right. And then Sapnap did the same thing he always did when he needed comfort, he ate a pizza, then a tub of ice cream, then all the other junk food and snacks he had in his house. And he didn’t stop, until empty wrappers littered his couch and he didn’t think he’d be able to move again.

He felt disgusting and guilty and did the only thing he could think of to undo the past hour. He threw 2 fingers down the back of his throat and leaned over the toilet bowl.

He made two vows to himself: to lose weight, and to never tell anyone what he had just done.


	2. the burrito

A slow day had passed in Teamspeak, Dream and Sapnap messed around while George tried to patch his latest Minecraft mod, before they messed around more on the SMP for Karl’s stream. Now, the three boyfriends were the last ones left in a discord call, in a semi-silence, save for Sapnap’s constant stomach grumbles that were nearly loud enough for his mic to pick up. He’d managed to go the entire day without eating – it was the first time in all his memory that he had done it, fuelling himself only by sugar free energy drinks. It irritated him that all his friends seemed to do it so effortlessly, seemingly never getting hungry, having to remind themselves to eat.

“I miss you Gogy, Pandas” Dream yawned and leaned back into his chair, the glowing RGB of his PC fans providing the only light source of his room, and gently illuminated his face a rainbow of colours. He hummed softly and looked at his boyfriends in his second monitor.

“Its not long now until we can all see each other again, only 3 weeks until twitch con.” George said hopefully, looking up from twitter. Sapnap could see the sunlight creeping in through the semi-drawn curtains and checked the time, 3am. It was 9 in England and George hadn’t slept yet. Sapnap could see George’s eyes glaring over a little as the man snuggled further into the oversized hoodie that Dream had left him the last time they were together in London. Sapnap had a pile of Dream’s hoodies too, but he was a size larger than George and so they weren’t as big on him. _Dream’s hoodies always look better on George. He’s so much cuter than I am – and smaller. No wonder everyone thinks he’s the cutest._ Sapnap smiled to himself sadly.

“hmmm I think I’m gonna sleep.” George stretched, the overly long sleeves of the jumper flopping as he did so. “g’night Clay, nunight Nick. I wuvyouuuuuuuu” he sang softly before disconnecting from the Minecraft server he had been AFK from for the past 45 minutes.

“I love you more” Sapnap mused, his trail of thoughts broken for a split second before returning to check himself over in his monitor screen. His acne had started to worsen a bit, but it was masked by his beard that had finally started to fill out – he was thankful for it, it masked his chubby and ill-defined jawline.

“And I love you most.” Dream stated with a smugness as George disconnected. Dream leaned into his facecam so Sapnap could get a clearer view of his face, while Sapnap continued to stare absently. “Hey Nick baby, are you okay? You seem a bit distant tonight.” It snapped the younger out of his thoughts and he smiled into the camera, to look at his boyfriend.

“Oh yeah, sorry. Guess I’m just getting sleepy.” Sapnap tried to let out a giggle. His stomach churned at its high pitch, it was incredibly fake. He hoped he had managed to mask the groan that followed.

“No, there’s something else, isn’t there? You’ve hardly said anything all evening.” Dream said, sounding a little concerned. He hit Sapnap’s Minecraft avatar just once. Sapnap died, and he could see Dream’s eyes widen.

“I was on half a heart.” He sighed. “and now I’m back at spawn. Put my stuff in a chest please, I’m coming back to the spider spawner.”

“Sorry babes – I didn’t know” Dream chuckled a little. “But you didn’t answer me, what’s wrong? Have you eaten today?”

“umm” Sapnap racked his brain for a convincing story. Honestly, he hadn’t eaten anything all day. “I ate a lot yesterday, so I haven’t been hungry”. That was a half-truth. The day before he _had_ eaten a lot, but he was most definitely hungry. Being in the call was probably the only thing stopping him from binging out again, and that he didn’t actually have any food in his house. 

“Oh come on, now I know you’re lying. There’s no way you go all day without eating and aren’t hungry.” Dream sighed.

_He thinks your fat. He knows you eat too much. You eat and you eat and he finds it disgusting, he’s just too nice to say it._ The thought crept into Sapnap’s head. _No, Dream doesn’t think that, he just knows that I get hungry because I’m a normal human and he cares about me._ Sapnap pushed the thought out as quickly as it came in. He was good at it by now, they had been happening for years.

“I’m really not, but okay then if you say so” He bit his bottom lip nervously.

“I do say so.” Dream’s voice was commanding but soft. “Let me order something. That tex-mex down the road from you is still open isn’t it? I’ll get you a burrito.”

Sapnap concealed a flinch, thinking about the calories, and he caught his plush cheeks reddening in the monitor. “Clay, I’m 19 years old, I think I can order my own food.” He whined, hoping his boyfriend would let it go.

“If you’re gonna whine like a baby, and not take care of yourself, Imma treat you like one.” Dream smirked, seemingly oblivious to Sapnap’s distress. The younger was thankful he had thrown Dream off his trail.

_Ha, he doesn’t care about you. If he did, he would have noticed you’re uncomfortable. He wouldn’t make you eat if he loved you._ The thoughts came back, ringing around his head. Sapnap blinked hard, feeling tears prick his eyes. Dream apparently noticed.

“Oh love, I’m sorry, I was just poking fun, I didn’t mean it.” He cooed. “Baby, are you sure nothing’s the matter? You know you can tell me and George anything.”

“What? No, its not that, I know you don’t mean it, I’m not upset. Like you say, I’m just hungry and sleepy.” Sapnap laughed but it was dry and stale, he wiped the single tear away with his jumper sleeve. “And I know you care about me – if there was anything to tell you I would but I’m really super fine. Imma log out of Minecraft though.”

“Alright. Do you wanna do something else? Your food is coming in like 15 minutes. If you don’t mind, I would like it if you’d stay on the call to eat it – for my sake. God Sap, I wish I could be with you right now, look after you properly. I miss your soft cuddles.”

_Soft cuddles? He means your fat. He loves George more._ The thoughts became harder to push away, and he sniffled. “I miss you too, miss you holding me. I’ll stay in the call if you really want me to.” He really didn’t want to.

“thank you.” Dream hummed. And they sat in a silence for a few minutes, but it felt more awkward than usually, an intensity filling the space between them. Dream, as usual, was the first to break it. “Want a quick game of chess or something Sappy?”

“oh nah, I don’t really think I can focus right now. I can’t afford to lose my win streak” Sapnap giggled.

“What? Your streak of 1? C’mon Pandas, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Dream laughed. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll beat you some other time.”

“Sure, you will.” Sapnap yawned and scratched his stubble, absent mindedly scrolling through twitter. The call fell nearly silent again, as Dream began to work on some coding, the only sounds coming from his intent keyboard taps. “Gimme one sec, food’s here.”

“Alright – I’m glad it came so quick.”

Sapnap let down his headset and skuttled off. He thanked the delivery guy and tipped him a little extra, checking the contents of the plastic bag the food came in. A chilli bean burrito, nachos, mozzarella sticks, and a large bottle of full fat coke. Sapnap sighed heavily, trying to guess how many calories were in the food as he returned to his pc. “Dream, this is so much food.”

“Well, you haven’t eaten for more than a day, you have to be hungry. Besides, I know how much you like Tex-mex.”

“you really didn’t have to.” Sapnap stalled as he unwrapped the burrito. It looked good, too good. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve Dream.

“I want to Nick – I care about you, and I want to know that you’re eating enough. If I can’t be with you in person, this is the next best thing I can do.” Dream sighed.

Sapnap took a tentative bite out. “I know Clay, I love you, really do – but you don’t have to worry about me. I’m just not that hungry”

“Just eat the goddamned burrito, for me. Look I’ll eat a sandwich too, okay?” He paused. “I’m sorry for snapping Nick, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

Sapnap nodded quietly and did as he was told. Dream was true to his word and ate a sub before falling asleep in the call. Sapnap watched him for a while, eyeing the rest of the food that sat in the bag on his desk.

_Don’t do it, you don’t need it there’s so much food._ He willed himself, _Clay probably did it to taunt you. To test you. He wants to see how greedy you really are. Probably wants to see you eat it all in one go just so he can leave you because you’re disgusting. Maybe you should just eat it. He’s better off without you anyway – he prefers George._ The man chewed at his bottom lip and glanced at his boyfriend, then the food, then back again.

“Fuck it.” He whispered and ripped open the nachos, finishing them in under a minute, then the mozzarella sticks, and then he downed the entire bottle of coke. He leant back, bloated, instantly regretting everything he had just done, _again._ Dream was still sound asleep. The younger paused for a second, listening to his soft snoring, before setting down his headset and slipping away to the bathroom in shame to do as he had done yesterday.

When he returned 10 minutes later, still red and puffy, he found Dream awake. “G’morning sleepyhead” his voice cracked; throat hoarser than anticipated.

“hmm, I’ve been awake this whole time.” Dream replied groggily, Sapnap hoped to God that wasn’t true. “thought you’d left me.”

“Just went to the bathroom”

“We should probably sleep” Dream suggested. “Do you wanna sleepover call?”

“We can if you want, I don’t really mind” Sapnap mumbled.

“Alright, then I would like to – I want to make sure you’re okay”

Sapnap yawned, “m’kay, I mean I’m fine, but lemme change the call to my phone.” His voice cracked again, and he hoped Dream wouldn’t see through the fake smile.

“Alright.” Dream said climbing into bed and turning off his camera. Sapnap did the same. The two boys whispered to each other for a while before Dream drifted off again. Sapnap lay still, letting his breath fall into the same rhythm as Dream’s, trying to stay calm as his mind raced.

_Why are you like this? You told yourself you wouldn’t eat all that food and then you did. You’re so gross, I bet you make Dream feel sick…. No, Dream can’t find you sick, if he did then he wouldn’t stay in the call with you. He doesn’t find you sick, he wouldn’t have bought you the food if he did…_

The thoughts rolled around his head until exhaustion eventually took over, and he fell into a slightly uneasy sleep.


	3. probably just a bad day, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George and Dream are worried TM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owo pov the boyfriends

When Dream woke up he was glad to hear Sapnap was still asleep. He briefly muted himself to get up so he didn’t wake his boyfriend. As he brushed his teeth he heard a little ping of George joining.

“Hey guys” The Brit chirped.

“Hi ‘aby” Dream replied, muffled by a mouthful of toothpaste.

“Are you brushing your teeth?” George laughed.

“Yup, ‘apnap’s sleep still” Dream replied, before giving his teeth a final scrub and spitting the toothpaste out.

“Huh? You slept on call? Should’ve said, I would have joined.” George mumbled, sounding a little disheartened.

“Oh George, I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to leave you out, you were already asleep, and honestly, I just wanted to keep an eye on Nick.” Dream reasoned.

“No its okay, I don’t care. Wait, what’s wrong with Nick?”

“I don’t really know, but he was super quiet yesterday”

“oh yeah, I noticed, but I didn’t want to say anything.”

“hmm, but then when you left, I asked if he was good, and he just said he was tired and hungry. I don’t know if somethings going on, but I didn’t want to pressure him, so I just ordered him dinner and stayed with him.”

“You know Dream, you’re probably the most considerate person in the world, I love you. I hope he’s better today.” George said fondly.

“I love you too Gog, and same. I don’t like being so far apart, I want my boys back.” Dream smiled, albeit a little sadly.

George hummed in agreement, before pausing, as Sapnap began to stir. “We should probably talk about this later”

“Yeah, sounds like someone’s finally awake. Good morning pretty boy, or should I say afternoon?” Dream cooed.

Sapnap groaned in response, “’s only 12.07 stop exaggerating”

“Ha, but I woke up before 12 and you didn’t.”

“If you wanna complain at someone for sleeping in, attack George.” Sapnap mumbled.

“hey, you just woke up and you’re already throwing me under the bus, that’s not nice.” Dream could practically hear George’s pouting.

“Alright boys, play nice.” He teased. “How’re you feeling today? Any better?”

There was a moment of silence, “hmmm yeah”

“I’m glad, I’m glad.” Dream hummed, relieved, but not quite convinced. “alright, now you’re awake, I’m gonna head to the store. See you guys later.”

“’kay nimrod, but make sure you’re back for my stream.”

“Don’t worry Sippy Cup, I’m not gonna be at the store for five whole hours. Keep an eye on George for me”

“yessir.”

“If anything, I’m gonna be the one looking after Nick.” George laughed.

“If you say so” Dream smiled and left the call.

\-----------

“You wanna play chess? Or mess around in Hypixel?” George asked, settling into his gaming chair.

“Bedwars, you only suggested chess because I’ve just woken up and you know it’s the only time you’ll beat me.” Sapnap taunted.

“If you say so.” George smirked. He turned on his camera so his boyfriend could see him wearing a size-too-large baby pink pandas hoodie.

“You’re such a nimrod.” Came the response, but sapnap didn’t turn his video on.

“Do I not get to see your pretty face baby?” George questioned, a hint of sadness creeping in.

“Not right now, I umm haven’t had a shower”

George could hear Sapnap’s discomfort at the prompt and didn’t want to push him, settling with an “okay then stinknap.”

“Stinknap? I bet I’ve showered more recently than you anyway pissbaby.” Sapnap giggled.

George rolled his eyes, “Nick, my hair is literally still wet from my shower that I took while you were still sleeping.”

“hmm doubt.”

“alright then, just hurry up and get on hypixel Sappitus Nappitus” George urged, changing the subject.

“be patient Goggywoggy, you’re always so impatient.” Sapnap sighed.

“Okay, that’s rich coming from you, Mr Gimme-your-cuddles-now.”

“Is it really though? _Dweeeeem stawp thuh carrr roight nowuh, I needa piss_ ” the younger taunted in a terrible British accent.

“Oh, shut up and join the game.” George whined. While he waited, he messed around to put some music in the call. He settled with Sapnap’s chill playlist, secretly hoping his boyfriend would start singing along – he was a terrible singer, but it was adorable. George was left a little disappointed when Sapnap remained quiet, and even the trash talk quickly died out.

Aside from the occasional little hum when they were winning, Sapnap was nearly completely silent for the hour that they played bedwars for. George tried to make conversation occasionally, but normally he relied on Sapnap or Dream to do the talking. He worried about his boyfriend being so quiet but tried not to think too much of it.

“Alright, I should probably go – gotta sort some stuff out before my stream. Run an errand, and call my mommy” Sapnap broke the quiet that had lasted 3 whole games of Bedwars. George was almost impressed at the length of their duos win streak considering they hadn’t said a word to each other.

“Okay Nickie baby, I’ll talk to you in a couple hours. I love you.” George sang. Sapnap made a wet kissing sound into his microphone that made him shiver a little “Gross.” Sapnap didn’t respond and left the call.

Something was super off with his boyfriend. George frowned.

He tried to push it out his mind – _Everyone has bad days sometimes, he’s probably just having a bad couple days, I’m sure he’ll be fine._

\-----

Sapnap’s stream was shorter than usual – George glanced at the clock as Sapnap ended, he’d only been live for an hour and didn’t manage to complete the game once. And he was quiet nearly the whole stream. “George and Dream are just giving me free content right now, why would I talk if I don’t need to” he mumbled when a donor brought it up.

The chat seemed satisfied with that answer spamming DNF as the two boys play flirted over Sapnap’s speedrun. _If only they knew_ he had thought to himself. But George wasn’t too impressed with his comment.

As he went onto deafen to end his stream, George asked Dream. “Clay, something’s definitely up, isn’t it?” 

Dream sounded unusually nervous, “Yeah, I wish he would talk to us and tell us what’s wrong. He seems so distant, like he wants nothing to do with us. I hope I didn’t do anything.”

“Oh Clay darling, don’t blame yourself for this – you know you haven’t done anything. I can’t have both my boyfriends upset.” George pouted. “He was as quiet as this earlier when we were together too and he wouldn’t turn his camera on. He didn’t even say bye properly…”

“I guess we just keep an eye on him as best we can and hope he reaches out to us soon?” Dream sighed.

George hummed in agreement.

“Hey guys, I’m pretty tired, so I’m probably just gonna sleep. Umm thanks for carrying that stream for me… remind me to give you a pay raise or something” He chuckled.

“okay Pandas, you sound exhausted. Remember to eat something and drink some water.” Dream replied softly.

“Just call us if you want to chat.” George added.

“Thanks guys, but I can look after myself ya know.”

“We know, but I like to remind you anyways. I love you.” Dream responded.

“I love you both too, g’night.” Sapnap said distantly.

Dream sighed, “I wished he would’ve stayed around a little longer”

“So do I… can we do a sleepover call tonight? I missed you yesterday” George asked tentatively.

“You missed me while we were both sleeping?” Dream questioned. “But sure, I’d love to baby”

“and play chess?”

“I mean, its no big deal to me, I’ll win anyways.”

“Hey that’s no fair, I’m a pretty good opponent these days.” George whined

“I mean, I guess you’re the best a-“ Dream was cut off by the sound of Sapnap leaving the call.


	4. Chapter 4

Sapnap was so hungry he could hardly focus on his stream. It had been 2 whole days since he last properly ate and kept everything down – almost definitely the longest he’d gone without a decent meal in his life. He kept making weird mistakes and mess ups – forgetting beds, not getting enough blaze rods, falling in lava. And he was weirdly quiet – quiet enough that his chat had picked up on it. _Why do you have to be like this?_ He thought angrily as he respawned and immediately closed the world with the Taiga seed. _George and Clay are skinny easily – they don’t have to constantly fight the urge to eat. You’re just a pig. Disgusting and weak._

His boyfriends meanwhile seemed painfully oblivious, making lewd jokes to each other to “entertain the chat while Sapnap’s emotionally AFK” like _what the fuck George._ It hurt Sapnap much more than he cared to admit with the way that they flirted with each other, practically ignoring him on his own stream. Besides, the boys had agreed to keep their relationship private, and George especially usually felt uncomfortable with any on camera flirting that Sapnap did, pushing him away when he asked for a kiss. Oh but now the two were completely fine to be all over each other, in front of his own audience of 60k, who spent the entire time spamming “Dreamnotfound”?

_You know they don’t like you. George thinks you’re gross. He said so earlier remember? And look at them all over each in your own stream. Don’t you think they’re better off without you?_

Sapnap ended the stream quietly, unable to take anymore of his boyfriends flirting, and sick of trying to focus on an empty stomach. “alright guys, I’m super tired, so I’m gonna end it here. I y’all and thanks for coming…. OH! Thanks for the 10 gifted, we’re poppin’ off” He recited mechanically.

_Facecam stream next time because we hit subgoal?_ The final TTS read out.

“Maybe…. Maybe, I don’t know yet – guess you’ll have to find out when I stream next” he announced, feeling sick at the thought of having to show his face on camera. “okay, thank you for the subs everyone, and the donos. We’re gonna raid Punz now… umm yeah BYEEEEEEEEEE”

He briefly undeafened on Teamspeak, not really wanting to speak to his boyfriends, for probably the first time in his life. 

“Hey guys, I’m pretty tired, so I’m probably just gonna sleep. Umm thanks for carrying that stream for me… remind me to give you a pay raise or something” He added a nervous fake laugh at the end, hoping he’d convinced the two men that he was fine.

“okay Pandas, you sound exhausted. Remember to eat something and drink some water, just call us if you want a chat.” Dream replied softly. For a second, Sapnap let himself be comforted by his voice until he snapped back to being annoyed. _Why is he being patronizing? “eat something”? he’s taunting you as well._ The intrusive thoughts started bombarding him.

“Just call us if you want to chat.” George added.

Sapnap took in a deep breath. “Thanks guys, but I can look after myself ya know.”

“We know, but I like to remind you anyways. I love you.” Dream responded.

“I love you both too, g’night.” Sapnap said quietly, lost in thought. Rather than leaving the channel though, he just muted himself and hoped they wouldn’t notice.

Dream sighed, “I wished he would’ve stayed around a little longer”

“So do I… can we do a sleepover call tonight? I missed you yesterday” George asked tentatively.

“You missed me while we were both sleeping?” Dream questioned. “But sure, I’d love to baby”

“and play chess?”

“I mean, its no big deal to me, I’ll win anyways.”

“Hey that’s no fair, I’m a pretty good opponent these days.” George whined.

“I mean, I guess you’re the best a-“

Sapnap left the call.

_Okay, so the second I leave they start just making plans without me? They’d prefer it if I wasn’t around all the time. I’m ugly and fat and they’re better off without me. They won’t love me until I’m thinner._

Sapnap sat in his quiet apartment, his headset still on, not playing any noise. He felt so alone, and cold, even in the Texan heat. He guessed it was the hunger. He rarely felt like this, and when he did, he’d always reach out to his boyfriends, though that didn’t seem to be an option anymore. It left him feeling trapped in his own thoughts, like he was beginning to suffocate. His breath hitched and tears started to fall down his cheeks. He spent a moment curled up in his gaming chair, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth trying to calm himself, before necking a lukewarm can of redbull zero that had been sat on his desk for too long.

Between sobs, he somehow fell asleep in his chair, only to wake up twenty minutes later still crying and exhausted. He checked his phone to 3 missed calls and piles of texts.

_George: Sorry I didn’t realise you were still in the call, come back and sleepover?  
Clay: Hey Pandas, please come join the call, we’ll be quiet so you can sleep  
George: Baby, if you’re reading this, come join the call, I miss you too – I didn’t mean for you to feel left out  
Clay: Nick, if we’ve done something to upset you, please tell us   
Clay: wait, actually if you’re upset for any reason at all please tell us  
George: Nick, I’m worried about you, please just at least say hi or something  
George: I love you  
George: Baby? Please answer your calls_

Sapnap sniffled and shut his eyes for a moment, gaining control over his breathing again. He dropped into the voice call with his boyfriends.

“umm hey guys.” He squeaked as his voice cracked.

“Oh God Nick, you scared us when you didn’t reply.” Dream sounded concerned.

“Oh, sorry, I fell asleep.” Sapnap mumbled and wiped his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie.

“have you been crying?” George asked.

“George, don’t just ask him outright.” Dream scolded. “Did we upset you? I mean, you don’t need to tell us, but we were worried. We didn’t want you to feel excluded, please don’t take it that way – we just assumed you were tired and wanted some space.” Dream rambled.

“it-its not you.” Sapnap verged on confessing, but thought against it. “I’ve just been having a rough couple days. I miss you.”

“Oh baby, I’m sorry. I wish I was there with you.” The blonde cooed. “Right now, I just wanna make you a hot chocolate and give you snuggles.”

Sapnap thought back to Christmas, when the three had spent the holidays in England. Dream made the three of them cocoa and brought Sapnap’s to him in bed when he refused to come out from under the blankets because he was too cold, and George had pretended to get mad, convinced he would spill it on his sheets. For a second, he felt comforted by memory of his boyfriends. But it was short lived as his mind raced through thoughts of how many calories must’ve been in that drink, and Dream’s hands around his waist, his tummy fat squishing, and how lazy he must be to refuse to get out of bed. Once again, he felt sick. He couldn’t reply.

“Do you wanna talk about it? I mean, you don’t have to, but you might feel better if you do.” George asked.

“I’ll be alright.” Sapnap sniffled. He would be alright – once he lost some weight. Then he’d be cute like his boyfriends, then they would love him more.

“I know you will.” Dream hummed for a second. “Do you want to turn your camera on? I haven’t seen your pretty face today – I need to do a beard check in.”

“The beard is the same as yesterday you nimrod. I might shave it off and start again, its too patchy. And I don’t know, I just look pretty rough today, please don’t make me put it on.” Sapnap complained, still not turning on his camera. He didn’t want Dream or George to see him like this, and he couldn’t face having to look at himself in his monitor.

“I mean, its already better than George’s.” Dream chuckled. “And I’m never going to make you show your face if you don’t want to, you know that, c’mon think about who you’re talking to.”

Sapnap sniffled again and rubbed the tears off his face. “Aww baby, I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time, you’re sure there’s nothing we can do to make you feel better?” George cooed.

“don’t worry about me, I’m fine really” Sapnap mumbled.

Dream turned his camera on, so Sapnap could see him, the dim lighting of his room casting shadows across his chiselled jawline, his dark blond hair was dishevelled and in need of a cut. He was beautiful, effortlessly so, and Sapnap smiled. Dream blew a kiss to George; whose camera was already on and he pretended to catch and eat it. The older looked small and sleepy in Sapnap’s jumper, lying in bed. Seeing his boyfriends on facetime was always simultaneously comforting and saddening – he just wanted to be near his boyfriends. He shivered a little.

“It’s cold in my apartment without you” Sapnap offered. “Bed’s cold.”

“I have an electric blanket” George giggled wiggling around in his bed and hugging a pillow.

“And I live in Texas” Sapnap whined “I would die in my sleep if I had a heater blanket.”

“That sounds like a you problem” George yawned and set his phone down on his bedside table, “I’m gonna sleep” and within seconds of setting his discord to deafen, George was asleep.

“I have no idea how he falls asleep so quickly.” Dream chuckled. “Do you wanna go back to sleep too?”

“might shower first” Sapnap hummed, running his hand through his hair and finding it uncomfortably greasy.

“Alright, I’m going to work on some coding for a bit, I’ll be here when you get back. I love you Nick, so, so much.”

“I love you too Clay”

\----

Sapnap stood staring at himself in the mirror for what felt like forever, poking his arms, his thighs, his tummy. _Its no wonder that that Dream and George don’t love you as much. Just look at you._

And once again he broke down in tears. _I’m trying, I can’t lose weight any faster than this. I’m starving, brain, won’t you just shut up for 5 seconds._ “Shut up.” He growled at himself, and shook his head violently. He forced himself to look away and take a shower.

He pulled on a fresh set of pyjamas and deliberated just going straight to bed, but hunger finally got the better of him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep without eating something. Sapnap pillaged through his kitchen cupboards and fridge, hoping to find something he could eat. He hadn’t been to the store in days, and most things left seemed unbearably unhealthy. After a painful few moments spent chewing on his bottom lip, he settled on making a turkey sandwich, realising it was about the only thing he actually had the stuff to make.

Sapnap ate it so quickly he gave himself hiccups, grabbed another can of sugar free redbull before leaving his kitchen. He couldn’t risk being in there any longer, he would eat too much.

Even eating the sandwich made him feel guilty. He wasn’t good enough for his boyfriends – he wasn’t strong enough to lose weight for them. To be pretty for them. _If you really loved them, you wouldn’t have eaten that sandwich._ A thought popped into his head. He blinked hard.

His phone buzzed again: _Clay: you done showering? I miss you :p_

Anxiety and guilt flooded Sapnap, but he joined the call anyway.

“Hey” Sapnap said softly, so as not to wake George who left his camera on as he slept.

“Hi Nick!” Dream looked up from his coding, his face cam still on. “Shower good?”

“Yeah, and I umm, made a sandwich.” He said.

Dream smiled fondly in response, “thank you baby, I’m proud of you.” Sapnap tried to ignore the pride he felt from Dream’s affirmation. _He doesn’t mean it, he’d rather you lost weight. He’s only saying it to be nice._

Sapnap hummed. “Yeah, I think I’m ready to sleep now.”

“Alright. Well, I’ll see you when you wake up. I’ll try to be here still, but I think I need to go on the smp for a bit – Ranboo needs me on his stream.”

“This late?”

“… I mean, its only 9pm and I think he’s 2 hours behind.”

“Oh, guess my sleep is just messed up.”

“Ya think? You’ve been awake for less than 9 hours today…”

“Oh, I’m just really tired I guess.”

“Maybe you’re coming down with something? It might explain why you feel so rough.” Dream offered.

Sapnap rolled his eyes. _He wouldn’t get it._ “Maybe?” Sapnap offered, sounding uncertain.

“well, you best sleep, I’ll shut up for you.” Dream laughed.

“g’night Clay”


	5. Chapter 5

When Sapnap woke up, he was alone in the call. A single message from George read _We didn’t want to wake you so we moved to a different vc – sorry x_

And for Sapnap, that settled it. His boyfriends didn’t care about him. And they wouldn’t – not until he was prettier, until he was thinner. _But I’ll show them._ He thought, _they won’t be here for a month, I can drop 30lb by then. I just need to try hard. And until then, I won’t show them my face._

And try hard he did. After a considerable amount of googling, he sat and made himself a list of the foods he was allowed to eat, mostly celery, broccoli, apples, an egg, diet coke.

He forced himself to go to the store, and spent the entire time chewing on his bottom lip in a desperate attempt to exercise some self-restraint. He pushed past the snacks and picked up a bunch of vegetables, and a few crates of redbull zero and diet coke. Right as he went to pay, his hand lingered over the discount basket of chocolate, but he snatched it away, remembering his goal.

No matter what he did, he could scarcely think of anything that wasn’t food. It was either the hunger that felt like it was gnawing away at him, thinking about how many calories he could eat in one day, or feeling guilty after every time he ate – no matter how small an amount it was.

It distracted him from pretty much everything he tried to do, he could hardly sleep or focus. It was exhausting, and he hadn’t the energy to leave his house, and half the time he felt too tired to even game or hang out with anyone.

Dream and George, then even Karl, Bad and Quackity, would message him multiple times a day asking him to join vcs, and join streams. He couldn’t face it, couldn’t face them.

Sapnap: _Hi everyone, I’m really sorry, but I’m super tired and sick, I’ve completely lost my voice, so I can’t really join any streams or anything._

Big Q: _L_

Karl: _dw – already got CORPSE to replace you for tales of the smp hahaha… get well soon though :(_

Clay: _Aww baby I’m so sorry! Feel better – keep us updated <3_

George: :’(

It was lonely and quiet without anyone to talk to, and part of him wished that he would just talk to his boyfriends – just to be distracted for a while if nothing else. But he couldn’t bring himself to – every time he went to join a vc he felt overwhelmed with the feeling that they were better off without him. He didn’t deserve them, not right now anyway.

But it was worth it. After only 5 days he’d dropped 4lb already. _It’s a good start. I can keep this up._ He nodded to himself in the mirror as he stepped off the bathroom scales. His feeling of progress gave him the smallest nudge of confidence. And at that very moment, his phoned buzzed with a message from Dream.

_Hey Nick, how are you today?? Are you feeling any better? It’s been 3 days nearly a week and we miss you! Not that we are forcing you to call, we just want you to feel better… consider this a friendly check in :))_

Sapnap: _still not great, but I do feel better, I’ll probably join a vc later if that’s alright?_

Dream: _ofc – I’d love that Gog’s going live later if you feel up to messing around, but no pressure_

Sapnap was about to reply when he realised he was probably better off just joining the call.

“h-hi?” he called out nervously, readjusting his headset.

“Nick!” George gasped. “Oh sorry, I was excited. I’ve missed you” He added, suddenly a lot quieter.

“Oh nah, its okay, I’ve missed you too.” Sapnap giggled in response.

“How are you feeling?” Dream asked.

“Not too bad, I’m tired, and my head hurts, but I’m alright.” Sapnap sniffed, hoping to sound convincingly kind-of-ill.

“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling a little better… I’m going live later tonight if you wanna join – Dream and I are going to try beat Minecraft with that black hole mod, you’d be a big hand. Only if you feel up to it of course.”

“Y-yeah, sounds cool. I should probably try counter the twitter rumours that I died.” He giggled a little.

“Probably a good idea – I was getting worried too if I’m being honest. You don’t normally go dark for that long, even when you’re sick. I’m not going to lie I thought we’d done something.” Dream sounded nervous.

“What? No, you’ve not done anything wrong, I’m sorry if I came across that way… I just, I was too tired. I mean I still am really tired. But I’m getting better. You didn’t do anything wrong, If anything I-” Sapnap gabbled, feeling guilty at the thought of upsetting his boyfriends.

“Hey, you’re all good baby, calm down.” Dream cooed, cutting him off. _If anything, I’m the one that’s always messing up, I don’t deserve you. But I’m working on that too._ Sapnap finished in his head. “You not been sleeping good again?” He asked.

“Oh umm, alright. And nah, been sleeping too much if anything.” Sapnap mumbled.

“Remembering to eat and drink enough water though?” George coaxed, “especially if you’ve been ill.”

“I umm… yeah?” Sapnap flinched, he was a terrible liar, and knew that no matter what he had said Dream and George would’ve seen right through him. _It doesn’t matter, if anything, it’s a good thing_

“Yeah, I’m not convinced by that Pandas, go ‘n eat.” Dream said bluntly.

“Clay, I don’t need to eat.” Sapnap whined. “I’m trying to lose a bit of weight.” He added quietly.

“What? Nick, you _do_ need to eat, and why are you trying to lose weight?” Clay asked. Sapnap flinched at the slightly aggressive tone that Dream used when he was worried.

“felt fat.” He mumbled. _Great job, idiot._

“Oh baby, no! You know you’re beautiful. One of my handsome boyfriends – you don’t need to lose weight.” George assured. _Notice how he didn’t say you weren’t fat._ The thought knocked around his head.

“Have you eaten _anything_ today?” Dream prompted.

Sapnap sighed, knowing there was no point but to tell the truth, “no.”

“Yesterday?”

“A salad.” Sapnap mumbled, getting nearly scared by Dream’s demanding tone.

“What? Please Nick, you have to eat more.” George practically begged.

“I just wanted to lose some weight before you came over for Twitch con. Wanted to be pretty.” Sapnap confessed, thankful he didn’t have his camera on, as he went crimson in embarrassment and his eyes began to water.

There was a moment of silence between them, before Dream sighed. “You’re already pretty Sap. You’ve gotta look after yourself. When I come over, I wanna spend my time taking you apart, not putting you back together because you refused to eat breakfast.”

Sapnap started to cry again, he wasn’t entirely sure why. He was relieved that his boyfriends cared about him, but something sat awkwardly in his stomach, _at no point did either of them say I wasn’t fat._ “I’m sorry Clay.”

“No baby, _I’m sorry_. I’m not mad - I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m just worried. You don’t need to do anything to be pretty – you already are, so, so pretty. You’re my handsome boyfriend and I care about you, and I love you so much. I just don’t want to see you in pain, I can’t take that.” Dream pleaded softly, and Sapnap bawled.

“Nick, don’t cry, you’re okay.” George shushed. “Just breathe a second, yeah?”

Nick gulped and wiped his face on his sleeve, “Yeah. I’m alright. I, umm, thank you. It means a lot. And I’m sorry for going cold a few days.”

“Darling, don’t apologise. I’m sorry that you don’t feel pretty – you are, you’re stunning. And, and I love you.” George added awkwardly, making Sapnap smile.

“Getting better at verbal professions there Georgie.” Sapnap quipped between sniffles. “But thank you, both of you, it means a lot.”

And it did. But at the same time it didn’t. Something didn’t sit right. _They’re lying. You do need to lose weight, you do eat too much, you are disgusting._

“Alright, what do you want to eat? Chinese, pizza, something else?” Dream asked.

“Huh?” Sapnap questioned, already knowing where this was going. _Oh please, not right now. You don’t understand Clay, I can’t eat a takeaway._ He wanted to beg.

“I’m ordering you food nimrod, tell me what you wanna eat.”

“Pizza I guess then.” He mumbled, not in the mood to put up a fight. _Its fine, you can just throw the pizza out, he won’t know._

“Coming right up pretty boy.” Dream said dialling the pizzeria closest to Sapnap’s apartment. He deafened leaving Sapnap and George together.

“Sappitus Nappitus, the prettiest boy I’ve ever laid my eyes on,” George began.

“What do you want?” Sapnap sighed.

“face camewa?” he asked sweetly, turning his camera on and adjusting it so that his face was central and blinking with a pair of puppy eyes. Sapnap hesitated for a moment, considering it, before remembering what he had promised himself.

“I look really rough Gogy, besides, I think my camera’s broken.”

“mmmmkay.” George sighed. “Do you wanna play something?”

Sapnap hummed, part of him wishing George had tried harder to get him to show his face, part of him thankful he didn’t. “What’cha have in mind?”

“MCC practice server? That’s coming up in a week.” George suggested, and Sapnap winced.

“A week? Who’s on your team again?”

“Clay, Karl and Scott. You’re with Tommy, right?”

“Oh bruh, that’s OP. And yeah, umm Tommy, Wilbur and Tubbo.”

“Good luck with your ear drums.” George giggled. Sapnap chewed at his lip, a little saddened at the thought of his boyfriends teaming with his best friend without him. “Clay tried to talk to Scott and everyone, but I don’t think they’re going to let you two team together for a while, and definitely not the three of us again… We popped off too hard.”

“Yeah, I guess we did.” He laughed. “don’t let Scott replace me.”

“It’ll be okay, we won’t have as much fun without you.” George sucked his bottom lip pensively, “Wanna start with hole in the wall?”

“yessir – if we play parkour next.”

“If you eat your pizza.” Dream undeafened in the call.

“If you don’t patronize me.” Sapnap quipped back.

“If you two stop arguing.” George rolled his eyes and laughed.

Sapnap rolled his eyes and readjusted in his chair, feeling his hands shaking a little. His focus really wasn’t there, and his fingers frustratingly slow. George easily outlived him in every round of hole in the wall they played, and by the time they changed to parkour warrior Sapnap was close to just logging off.

“Sap you _have_ been sick, you’ve completely forgotten how to play parkour.” George laughed as Sapnap growled, falling off the map again. “Oh you’re literally dog water.” He taunted overtaking the younger.

“I’ve still got a headache, all the moving is making me feel sick.” Sapnap whinged.

“Its probably not helping that you’re hungry” Dream added. _Will you stop bringing it up? I’m doing this for you._ Sapnap wanted to snap back. Instead, he opted to catch up with George and pretend to throw up on him, crouching and retching.

“Pandas, that is not nice. Be nice to George.” Dream commanded.

“Why? He was being mean to me.” Sapnap pushed.

“Because he is clever, and funny, and kind.”

“No, he’s not. He’s not kind” Sapnap whined, unsure if he was being serious or not in his complaining. Sure, he knew it was banter, but he had hoped that Dream would step in and be affectionate.

“Yes, he is.” Dream replied calmly.

“Fine, but if George is kind, then I am too.” He huffed.

“I never said you weren’t.” Dream’s voice was just as monotonous. Sapnap sighed again making George giggle.

“Now George, for laughing at that, say you’re sorry and that you love Nick. And Nick, say you’re sorry too.” Dream demanded.

“You’re sorry and that you love Nick.” George laughed.

“You’re sorry too.” Sapnap stated, a little annoyed at his boyfriends’ oblivious joking. “Oh wait, gimme a second, food’s here.”

“I’m not waiting” George giggled overtaking the younger again.

Sapnap took the food from the driver and tipped them a little extra. He inspected the contents of the takeaway bag and once again found that Dream had ordered an obscene amount of food, 2 large pizzas, garlic bread, fries, onion rings, chicken wings and another coke. He rolled his eyes and left all but the garlic bread on the kitchen side, knowing that he would have to eat _something_ on the call before Dream would get off his back.

“What the fuck Clay, why is there so much food?” Sapnap forced a laugh as he settled into his headset again.

“Didn’t know what you wanted, so I thought I’d get a couple things?” Dream laughed hesitantly in response. “I dunno, you can just keep the extras in your fridge for tomorrow or something.”

“Well, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now eat something.” Dream cautioned.

“I mean I don’t feel great still, but I’ll eat the garlic bread.”

Sapnap could hear Dream suck his teeth and sigh, “fine, but if you’re still hungry after that, you eat more, and you don’t beat yourself up or think about whatever stupid diet you wanted to try.”

Sapnap hummed. “I was doing it for you, for both of you.” He offered quietly.

“We know baby, but you don’t need to. I love you just the way you are, you don’t need to lose weight, and you definitely don’t need to starve yourself.” George offered.

Sapnap felt his eyes begin to water again as he took a tentative bite out of the garlic bread, it was warm and cheesy, and it reminded him of getting take out as a kid, or when he’d have a movie evening with Dream and George and get pizza and snuggle on the sofa. “It’s good, really, really good.”

“I’m glad.” Dream said quietly. “You know I care about you right?”

“Wh? Yeah of course, I care about you too – that’s why I-“

“Good, because if you were hungry, and hurting, just to lose weight, you weren’t doing it for me.” Dream said anxiously.

“I umm” Sapanap wasn’t sure he was following.

“Because I never, ever, want you to be hurting. And please don’t ever let yourself think that I would want you to do anything that would put you in pain. I care about you way too much for that.”

“I’m sorry.” Sapnap choked.

“Hey, I didn’t say that for you to start crying again, I mean, if you need to go ahead – I’d rather you cried in the call than on your own… But I needed to say it out loud, for you to hear, for my sake.” Dream said earnestly. “And no more apologies.”

Sapnap didn’t really know how to respond, so the three of them sat quietly for a little while. He ate his garlic bread, while Dream shared his screen to try a few speedrun attempts, and George got ready for his stream, setting up his new camera. Sapnap thought about how much he had missed this – the normalcy of spending time with his boyfriends, and how even in their near silence, he felt less alone.

“You finish the garlic bread?” George asked, and switched to his streaming setup, the camera suddenly becoming much clearer, and his greenscreen pulled up properly.

“Yup – when you going live?”

“in about 40 minutes – when it hits 11. Is the set up good?”

“Yeah – I can see literally every pore. You need a better skincare routine.” Dream smirked at George’s pout. “Still hungry Sap?”

Sapnap hummed quietly for a second, pensively. “not really.”

“So yes then?”

“Clay, really? Please don’t patronize me.” He whined. _Please, you don’t understand, I can’t eat any more. It won’t end well._ He wanted to add, but he stopped himself.

“We aren’t having another repeat of the last conversation. If you’re still hungry, you eat.” Dream commanded.

Sapnap pouted to himself and thought about the food sat in his kitchen. “mmkay maybe I’ll have a slice of pizza. But I’ll probably leave the call for a bit, there are a few things I need to sort out, I’ll be back for the stream, I promise.”

“Alright, talk to you in 36 minutes.” George laughed.

“Yessir.”

“And thank you for reaching out. You know you can tell us anything.” Dream assured.

Sapnap laughed at the worried affirmation, suddenly slightly uncomfortable for some inexplicable reason. “I know… I love you. I’ll be back in a minute.” He sighed and disconnected from the call. 

“You fucking idiot.” He cursed out loud, regretting the past hour. _Don’t tell anyone, that’s what you said. You said you wouldn’t tell anyone. Now you’ve scared Clay, made George uncomfortable and it wasn’t like you’ve even lost that much weight. You’re still fat, notice how they never told you you weren’t? And now you’ve eaten fucking garlic bread even after you said you would throw it all out? Disgusting._

Sapnap sat for a few minutes and just let the guilt and resentment hit him. He _loathed_ himself, and somehow, after everything that Dream and George had said to him, and all the reassuring, he felt even more alone. He thought about the food left on the kitchen side, and eventually he gave in, remembering the feeling of being full.

Choking on his own tears, and fuelled by sheer resentment for himself, wishing to feel anything but lonely, he ate all the food that Dream had ordered for him, all over again. And for a second, he felt comfortable, and full, before the hatred returned and he felt even more alone.

_You know what you need to do._ The thought echoed in his head. _I know what to do._ He nodded and crept off to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmm I'm sorry this took a few days, I had to focus on college work... also I'm not *super* happy with this but its kinda hard to write,,, yikes


	6. Chapter 6

Sapnap sat on the bathroom floor for a few extra minutes, he wiped the corner of his mouth and let his head rest in his hands, feeling exhausted. All he really wanted to do was sleep, when he heard a discord call coming in from his PC. _Shit, the stream. You need to go, you can’t just not turn up after that conversation._ With a laboured sigh, he hauled himself off the floor to return to his desk once again.

“SAPNAP!” George screamed into the microphone. “We’ve been waiting for 20 minutes, you said you would be on time.”

“Oh sorry, I was eating pizza.” Sapnap giggled, but his voice sounded slightly cracked. “Its Dream’s fault really, he’s the one that ordered me a takeaway less than an hour before you go live, like I don’t know how to order my own food.”

“Oh come on. You’re the one who’s going on about how you want to be treated like a grown up, but maybe if you learnt how to tell the time...”

“Guys please, can we just get on with the challenge, its going to take forever.” George whined.

“ _Guys please_ ” Dream mocked. Sapnap giggled, glancing over to George’s twitch chat that was quickly going feral. “Why did we wait for Sapnap anyways, he wasn’t much use last time we did this challenge” he giggled. Sapnap felt his heart somehow sink even further at the words.

“Well, you were the ones that just ran off without me.” Sapnap offered weakly.

“This time, we won’t leave you behind, and maybe we’ll actually manage to get further on in the game.” George replied, reassuring the younger a little, and earning a spam of <3 in the chat.

George wasn’t _exactly_ true to his word. While Sapnap at least managed to escape spawn, he did die about 15 minutes in had to accept his fate as lost. He tabbed out of Minecraft to watch Dream and George continue without him from George’s stream. “Oh he’s literally dog water.” George taunted as the other two ran off without him.

_It’s just a game, he’s talking about Minecraft, for the stream, he doesn’t think you are really._ Sapnap tried to reason with himself, but it felt weak. “Alright, but at least I’m not sweaty.” Sapnap laughed, aware of how quiet he was being again, and worried that he’d be called out for it again.

George and dream lasted about 10 more minutes before George fell off a cliff and Dream ran out of blocks to tower with, ending up cornered. “Somethings George, were never meant to be.” Dream said with a fake sincerity, before bursting out into an obscene laughter. Sapnap spammed _o7_ in the chat a few times. “Wait, Sapnap, you’re still in the call right?”

“Wh-, yeah?” Sapnap replied.

“You were just really quiet. Wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep again.”

“Oh sorry Dreamiepoo, I was busy doing your mother.”

“Well, she is being pretty quiet… don’t know what that says about you and your skills.” George smirked.

**“** Oh come on George, you know that Sapnap is good with his mouth, I’ve heard your screams from his hotel room at vidcon.” Dream drawled. Sapnap couldn’t help but burst out laughing, mostly at the chat freaking out at the idea that Dream had somehow gone to vidcon entirely unnoticed before his extremely hyped up face reveal due to happen at twitch con. Sapnap’s focus drifted away from the conversation again as he thought about how Dream could just walk around outside, or go to the store unnoticed. How Dream could open up twitter without having to see his face plastered all over his feed. How in that moment, Sapnap wished he could be in that position.

“SAPNAP” George’s scream quickly snapped the younger out of his thoughts.

“Huh? I was looking at twitter.” He mumbled.

“We’re gonna play bedwars for a bit. Callahan’s gonna join as well. get on hypixel, Nimrod.” George explained, making Sapnap wonder how long he’d managed to zone out for.

“Oh, umm, I don’t think I’ll play, I might just go back to bed actually. I’ve been really sick, and I still don’t feel great.” He explained quietly, mostly to the chat.

“Hang on, just looking for any askers?” George taunted.

“George, that’s mean. We’ve already had a conversation today about being mean to Sapnap.” Dream jokingly scolded.

“Alright _Dad_ ” George rolled his eyes.

“Now apologise.”

“I’m not apologising to him.”

“tell Sapnap you love him.”

“Yeah George, blow me a kiss” Sapnap added sweetly.

“No” George whined. Sapnap rolled his eyes that after all this time George still refused to show any affection on stream at all.

“Well, I’ll just see myself out then. Bye I guess.” Sapnap deadpanned.

“Alright, well I love you Sapnap.” Dream assured.

“I love you too Dream” Sapnap giggled, “and I love George, even if he doesn’t love me back.” He sighed and left the call.

For the first time, he couldn’t tell if George was joking or not when he refused to say I love you. Before, Sapnap was sure it was all an act for on stream, feeling uncomfortable in their fanbase knowing that they were together, but suddenly Sapnap wondered if the lack of affection was just because he just didn’t care, or want to be associated with him. And if he was being honest, Sapnap couldn’t blame George.

George: _I love you really. I love you so much_ , _and just in case I don’t catch you after my stream ends, goodnight xx_

Sapnap didn’t respond, he couldn’t bring himself to.

\---

He couldn’t bring himself to answer any messages for the rest of the evening, or the next day. After that though, going cold became nearly impossible, with constant messages from Tommy trying to pull the MCC team together for practice, and then messages from Tubbo and Wilbur.

_To MCC boyes_

**Tommy** _: Hey big guy, Dream said you’ve been sick, but we really need to do some practice, you don’t have to stream or anything, but we could do with some team practice._

**Tommy** _: also, Tubbo is really bad at parkour and he desperately needs your help_

**Tommy:** _Wilbur is getting antsy, can you just come practice for like an hour or two?_

**Wilbur:** _Hey Sapnap, I know you’ve not been too well recently, but if you’re up to it, I think we’d really benefit from a little MCC team building_

**Tommy:** _I’m going live in half an hour with everyone else, are you around?_

**Wilbur:** _Don’t make me fly out to Texas to make sure you’re still alive_

_\---_

_To Dream_

**Dream:** _Pandas, please reply to Tommy, he’s not giving me a minute of peace._

**Dream:** _Baby, I get worried when you don’t reply. Are you sure everything’s okay? Do you want me to say something to Tommy? You can always pull out this MCC if you need to take some time for yourself._

**Sapnap:** _Hi sorry – I’m okay I promise. I don’t really have the energy for a stream, but I’ll hang out on the practice server for a bit._

**Dream:** _Do you need me to shut Tommy up in advance?_

**Sapnap:** _Ahaha no its okay_

**Dream:** _We miss you, do you wanna play COD with us later?_

**Sapnap:** _maybe… sorry I’ve been quiet, I’ve just been sleeping a lot, I still don’t feel to great_

**Dream:** _Just promise me you’re eating and drinking enough, feel better soon_

**Sapnap:** _:)_

**\---**

_To MCC boyes_

**Sapnap:** _Hey guys, sorry I was sleeping, but I’m about to hop on the MCC practice server if you’re still around_

**Wilbur:** _Tommy is just ending his stream, but I’m going live in 10 minutes – you don’t have to join if you don’t want though, we’ll all be around after I’ve finished if you’d rather just hang out in an hour or two… Tommy’s live mode is quite a lot to deal with when you have a headache, I’d know_

**Tommy:** _That is a complete and profound lie, my online and offline modes are equally awesome_

**Tubbo:** _And loud :/_

**Wilbur:** _Toby, you are just as bad_

**Sapnap:** _I’ll join the stream, don’t worry, I could do with all the practice I can get_

**Tommy:** _Aha, dropping the ball?_

**Sapnap:** _I mean, still better than you._

**Tubbo:** _Sir, I think you just cyberbullied a child, how do you feel?_

**Sapnap:** _…_

**Tubbo:** _Just cancelled Sapnap, feeling good._

**Wilbur:** _Boys, stfu_

**Wilbur:** _VC?_

**Sapnap:** _Yeah, one sec_

\---

He stood up out of bed and instantly blacked out and flopped back down again. He waited a few moments before standing up again. _Alright, I need to eat. I can’t play Minecraft like this, definitely not for a livestream._ He thought as he padded over to his kitchen and sifted through his fridge. It was pretty much empty at this point, not that he had really noticed. He settled on a packet of ramen that he found at the back of his cupboard.

_Ramen? You know how unhealthy that is? Disgusting. Why are you eating anyway, you can wait until dinner._ George’s voice taunted him in his head. _No, George wouldn’t say that. I haven’t eaten properly for 3 days, I need this._ He tried to reason with himself. He cooked them and wolfed them down quickly, suddenly aware of how starved he really was. Then before he could do anything he regretted, he returned to his PC, joined the discord voice channel, and loaded up Minecraft.

“Hi chat!” Wilbur said softly. Sapnap pulled the stream up on his second monitor.

“Wilbur will probably take forever to start the stream – he like actually reads the chat and stuff.” Tommy said, entering the discord.

“Alright – do you want a quick couple rounds of ace race before he joins then?” Sapnap offered.

“So, what’s it like having the internet think you died or something?” Tubbo laughed.

Sapnap rolled his eyes, not really having the energy to deal with these kids. “Well, you actually get a lot less peace funnily enough.”

“That’s kind of weird, because I haven’t heard anything about you on twitter, I just assumed you weren’t famous anymore.” Tubbo taunted.

“Were you even famous to begin with?” Tommy questioned.

Sapnap laughed nervously, “Nope, I’m just like you, we ride off of Dream’s clout. At least I’m manly enough to admit it.”

“We’ll see who’s manlier after this Ace Race round.” Tommy said menacingly. Sapnap rolled his eyes, cracked his knuckles, and lined up next to Tommy and Tubbo.

“Guess we will.” He pursed his lips took off. He scuffed a few corners, and was 3 seconds slower than his last race, but he put it down to lack of practice, and Tommy’s distracting chanting. He beat both the kids easily anyways, realising that eating actually improved his focus a lot more than he had thought it would. “LETS GOOOOOOOO” He shouted, right as Wilbur undeafened.

“Sapnap” Wilbur laughed, “I was just telling chat how we’ve been graced by your presence after you’ve been super sick.”

“Hi Wilbur’s chat” He giggled, “I was just busy smacking Tommy… in a video game.”

“In a video game, for any twitch staff in the chat, in a video game.” Wilbur confirmed. “So what are we going to practice first?”

“Parkour warrior! Oh Great-and-mighty-Sapnap, please help me with Parkour Warrior” Tubbo pleaded.

Sapnap hummed at the response, “Well, I mean I am pretty great… alright. I don’t know if I can still do my sub 8 though, its been a while.”

“Don’t worry Tubbo, I’ll give you some parkour pointers, with my sub 45 minutes.” Wilbur laughed. “I’ve been learning a lot – I’ve seen the Gogy leap.”

“Oh yeah, the Georgenotfound jump.” Sapnap laughed remembering the corner that George had managed to jump a while back.

“How is he, Mr. Not-found?” Tommy asked. “I’ve not spoken to the ol’ Gogster for a while, he keeps being asleep when I’m about to stream.”

“I umm… good I suppose, I haven’t really talked to anyone for a couple of days – like Dream or George or Karl.” Sapnap confessed.

“Why not?” Tubbo asked bluntly.

Sapnap ran his hand through his hair slightly nervously. “I dunno, I’ve been sick, they’ve been busy?”

“Guess they don’t care about you anymore.” Tommy laughed. Sapnap froze slightly, _Its so obvious they prefer each other that even Tommy notices,_ he thought. _No, Tommy is just joking, he doesn’t even know we’re dating. He’s just joking, they do still care. Probably._ He tried to reassure himself.

“I think you’re just jealous.” Sapnap tried to drawl casually, but just ended up growling as he fell off the parkour map. “the iron doors have changed since I last did this.”

“I am absolutely not the slightest bit jealous that you know what Dream looks like… is he handsome?”

Sapnap caught Wilbur roll his eyes. “Yeah, he’s pretty handsome. I mean he’s mostly tall, but he has really nice eyes.”

“OOOOHHHH someone has a crush?” Tubbo shouted, giggling.

“Tubbo, everyone has a crush on Dream.” Wilbur said quietly. “ARGH Sapnap how do you get through the glass wall thingys?”

Sapnap was thankful for the change in conversation, “Wait, lemme spectator mode a second… umm, I would shift and hang right off the edge of the right side and crouch jump.”

Wilbur cleared the jump, “Oh thank you, you beautiful, beautiful man.”

“Wilbur, that’s pretty sus.” Tommy whispered into his microphone.

“Tommy it really isn’t, let go of your toxic masculinity for 5 minutes will you?” Wilbur complained.

“Wait, so going back to Dream being handsome-“ Tubbo began, but Wilbur quickly cut him off.

“Look, Dream is confirmed going to Twitchcon, and has told us about his face reveal, can we please get back to MCC practice? We’re making it to the finals, so we need to practice dodgebolt.” Sapnap quietly sighed in relief for Wilbur breaking up the tension a little.

“Are you sure we’re getting into the finals, Vikkstar and Pete are teaming again, and so are Dream, George, and Scott…” Tubbo reasoned.

“Yeah, but we have something they don’t…. ME.” Tommy laughed.

“I hate to break it to you Tommy, but I think at least half of the people here have seen MCC 5” Tubbo reminded.

“Yeah, well I’ve grown as a person since then Tubbo, I’m a man now.”

“OmegaLUL” Tubbo deadpanned.

“Did you really just ‘omegalul’ him?” Wilbur laughed.

“Yes Mr Soot, I did.”

The rest of the evening passed in a similar fashion, with Tommy and Tubbo being as loud and provocative as possible, with Wilbur making half arsed attempts to control them, and Sapnap giving a couple general pointers.

That was until Tommy and Tubbo started their act on getting women again. “So Sapnap, do you have any advice on getting bitches?” Tubbo asked candidly.

“Tubbo, I don’t know if Georgenotfound counts as ‘bitches’” Tommy laughed. Sapnap sucked in a breath. He was already exhausted from the two and a half hour streaming act, and wasn’t really in the mood for this.

He tried to laugh it off and change the subject, “I dunno man, you could always maybe focus on Ace Race a bit more?”

“No no, I’m intrigued.” Tommy pushed.

“Intrigued about what?”

“I mean, does Gogy count as bitches, and how to you get a bitch, or a Gogy to like you.”

“I dunno Tommy, I honestly have no idea how you get a Gogy to like you.” He realised he sounded sadder than he meant to.

“That hit a little close to home or something big guy?” Tommy taunted.

“Tommy, please be quiet. I would message your mother, but I honestly don’t need to if you’re making this much noise this late at night.” Wilbur shushed. “Actually, you know what chat, it _is_ pretty late. I think we’re going to end it here.” Wilbur briefly ended his stream, and everyone left the practice server. Tommy and Tubbo left to mess around on the Dream SMP. “Hey Sapnap, you wanna hang around for a little bit? I umm wanted to ask you something.” He said softly.

The quiet tone panicked Sapnap. “Umm yeah sure, what can I do?”

“Hey dude, you don’t need to sound so stressed out, I just wanted to make sure you’re okay – and also thank you for coming on my stream.”

“Oh umm yeah, I’m good.” Sapnap offered weakly, but he knew he wasn’t convincing.

“Okay, that basically confirms you aren’t… did Tommy get to you a little?” Wilbur asked.

“I mean, when you put it like that it sounds dumb.” He pursed his lips. Wilbur still had his camera on and shook his head.

“Nah it doesn’t, sometimes Tommy gets to me too – he’s got a lot of energy and not a lot of perception skills.”

Sapnap sighed. “Wilbur, you know that umm Dream, George and I, we’re… a thing?”

“The Dream team?” Wilbur raised an eye.

“Are dating. Like, we’re boyfriends.” Sapnap said quietly.

“Oh… _Oh._ ” Wilbur paused for a second. “Okay now I completely understand why Tommy pushing you was a bit much. Especially if you’re ill… are you all on… okay terms???”

“I think so… I mean, I don’t know… they haven’t said anything to me but..” Sapnap trailed off, “Oh god you really don’t want to hear about this, don’t worry. Everything’s fine, I’m just being dumb. You know when you’re sick you lose perspective on things a bit. We haven’t spoken much because I’ve literally just been sleeping. I think we’re gonna play COD or something later.” Sapnap said quickly.

“Wow okay man. Sounds good. I mean, like I’m always here if you need someone random to talk to I guess. I’ve been told I’m a good listener – then again, in comparison to Tommy I guess its not that hard.” Wilbur smiled kindly.

“Thanks man, but I’m okay, honestly.”

“Alright, well I’m going to head off and eat something… make sure you do too – its hard to remember after streaming… at least for me anyways. G’night Nick.”

“Night Will.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Wilbursoot:** _Hi Gog – You around for a quick call? Bit worried about Sapnap if I’m being completely honest…_

**George:** _Umm yeah ig, what’s up?_

**Wilbursoot:** _Probably easier if I explain over call._

**Incoming call: Wilbur**

“Wilbur? Hey, how are you?” To say George was confused was potentially an understatement. Sure, he was friends with Wilbur, but they didn’t often hang out off stream, and the idea that Wilbur was calling to talk about Sapnap was a little concerning.

“I’m good, I’m good, thanks for asking. How are you?”

“Not going to lie, I’m a little confused, but alright I guess.”

“Oh yeah. Umm, I hope you’re okay with me saying this, but Nick – he told me, about you guys – dating that is. Which I’m completely cool with obviously, I mean, good for you guys… but I guess you were keeping things quiet for a reason.”

George froze. “He… told you?”

“Yeah, I mean just me – it was off stream and stuff – he didn’t even tell Tommy.”

George breathed a sigh of relief. “oh thank god – I mean that sounds bad… I just I’m not ready for everyone to know I’m gay yet, and definitely not ready for everyone to know we’re actually dating.”

“I get it, don’t worry. It’s private, its not for millions of people to know.”

“Can I ask why he told you? Sorry that sounded kind of rude.”

“No no, that’s actually why I wanted to call you. Sapnap - he doesn’t seem to be doing so well. Like I mean, he said he had lost his voice but he sounded fine, and Tommy kept asking how you ‘get bitches or a gogy’ and he said he didn’t know how to get you to care about him, which like sure could’ve been a joke but, but man did he sound sad about it. I asked him about it, and he seemed like he was about to tell me something, but he stopped himself. He said that you hadn’t said anything to him and then trailed off – like he had decided that you guys are planning on breaking up with him. I mean that was the vibes I was getting. But then he just tried to brush it off. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

George felt his heart sink, he just wished that Sapnap would reach out to him or Dream. “Oh my god. I didn’t know anything about this. I mean, we knew something was up, but he hasn’t been telling us anything. Clay was worried he wasn’t eating enough, but we thought… we thought we had spoken to him about it. Thanks for telling me Wilbur… did he say anything else?” George felt himself gabbling but he couldn’t stop himself, so completely full of worry for his boyfriend.

“No – but he’s definitely hiding something, I just wanted to make sure you knew. I’m sorry George.”

“Well, thank you so much. I’ll talk to Clay and him… Its so hard being on opposite sides of the world to them.” He sighed.

“I’ll bet. When are you next due to fly out? Twitch con?” Wilbur asked.

“Yeah, we were planning to meet in Cali the day before the convention starts. So just under 3 weeks. You going too?”

“Yeah – gotta be there to see Dream’s face reveal… can you tell me if it’s a joke, I’m spending £600 on this trip.”

George laughed, “Yeah, its actually real, he’s already shitting himself about it, thinking that people will think he’s ugly.”

“Is he?” George could hear Wilbur trying to contain a laugh. Honestly, he was thankful for the lightening of the conversation.

“I mean, I might not be the most impartial, but he’s gorgeous.” George laughed.

“Gogy, blink twice if you’ve actually signed an NDA and are contractually obligated to say he’s pretty.” Wilbur said earnestly. George just laughed. “look, meet me at Brighton Pizzahut on Friday, and I will rescue you.”

“Is that a date?” George asked.

“strictly platonic – 3 boyfriends would just be greedy.” Wilbur giggled. “Plus, Tommy and Tubbo – I mean and their parents so its not weird – are going to be there and I want an MCC vlog, wear a cowboy hat and pretend to be Sapnap please.”

George rolled his eyes and laughed, “alright. Look, thanks so much for telling me about Nick – I ought to call Clay. And I can’t promise right now, but I’ll get back to you on the pizza front.”

\--

“Clay?”

“George, what’s up? You sound worried.” Dream asked.

George laughed nervously, “I only said your name.”

“Yeah, but you said it nervously, and you laughed nervously. What’s up?”

“I was just talking to Wilbur – he said he was worried about Nick.” George started. He recounted the previous conversation to Dream, who listened intently.

“What do you think we do?” Dream asked cautiously.

George sighed, “I don’t know. If he won’t log on to his PC and talk to us, then there’s not much we can do. I’m worried about him, I don’t like being so far away for him.”

“I know, I hate it too. Three weeks doesn’t seem that long away, especially as its been almost four months since we last saw each other, but its such a long time for Nick to be alone if he’s not going to talk to anyone.” Dream sighed, and George could hear his voice wavering a little.

“Hey, it’ll be okay. And in three weeks, we’ll all be together again, and it’ll be okay.” George tried to comfort, but he could hear Dream getting increasingly anxious, and George wasn’t even convincing himself.

“What if it isn’t though, what if Nick really isn’t okay? He’s been super off for almost two weeks already, and I’m so worried about him. I’m worried about you too – I just… I want to be near you, I want to be able to look you in the eyes, to hold you.” Dream professed.

George could feel himself breaking down, “I want to be near you too. I don’t know if now’s the time to say it, I know Nick should be here for this conversation, but I want to move over to the States – I’m half the world away, and its too far. I don’t know if you guys are ready for us to live together permanently yet, but I at least want to be in the same country as you…”

“You know that I would love nothing more than for that to happen. But you’re right, Nick should be here for a conversation like this. God, Nick should be here anyway.”

“I’m going to text him one last time, he really needs to tell us what’s going on.” George sighed.

“Alright, do you wanna play something in the meantime?”

“Either COD or CSGO? More likely to lure in Nick with one of those.”

“Good thinking, I’m slightly better at COD so we’ll go with that.”

\---

**George:** _Join the VC?? We’re playing COD and we miss you :)_

Sapnap couldn’t. He wasn’t good enough for them, and they were better off without him, and they loved each other more. _What could they possibly see in you? You’re fat, and whiney, and needy. And what was that with Wilbur, not being on good terms? They’re completely fine, this is all you._ “Yeah, let me boot up my PC” he wanted to reply, or even just “I miss you too”, but instead he just left it, and tossed his phone onto his bed and turned on the TV.

**George:** _I spoke to Wilbur earlier… we’re worried about you. Please can you call either me or Clay?_

**Dream:** _Baby, I need to know you’re okay, and please don’t reply to this message with an “I’m fine” because I know you aren’t… Please tell me what’s actually wrong, or at least let me know that you aren’t just on your own in your apartment and not talking to anyone. I can’t bear the thought of you hurting on your own and no one knowing about it._

_Great, now you’ve upset Dream too. You really are awful. I don’t know why he cares so much about you anyway._ The thought rang clear through Sapnap’s head.

**Dream:** _I’m serious Nick, I need you to answer me._

_Honestly, I don’t know how to explain it properly, but I’ve been having a tough time. Like anxiety and stuff…_ Sapnap began to type, but he quickly deleted it.

**Sapnap:** _I’m sorry to worry you. I’ve had a rough couple weeks, but I’m working things out, I think. I think I’m gonna call my mom, and maybe spend a bit of time away from the internet._

He hesitated, and debated just leaving the message on read, but he eventually just hit the send button. Immediately, he shut his phone off and went to bed. Over the course of the next days, Sapnap seemed to feel like he was slipping away from reality altogether. He just padded around his apartment, like he was waiting for something, but he wasn’t sure what. _You’ll be okay in a few weeks. Once you’re thinner. Don’t tell Clay or George, they’ll just worry – they don’t understand. They’ll prefer you more when you’re thinner anyways._

Days pretty much rolled into one, as he drifted in and out of sleep, playing COD on random alt accounts so no one would ask him to join a call or think he was online. He found himself stepping onto the goddamned bathroom scales twice a day, just to make sure that he hadn’t gained anything. Thinking about his weight consumed him. And left alone with his thoughts he spiralled quicker than he had ever done before.

He felt physically sick almost all the time, either from hunger, or worse, the unfamiliar feeling of being full. It made eating anything at all almost physically hurt, and filled him with guilt, reminding him that he was trying to lose weight. _You won’t feel like this forever, just until you’re skinny._ He tried to assure himself, _you needed this, its good for you, you’ll be healthier in the long run._

He wanted to reach out to someone, to anyone, but each time he went to turn his phone on, or boot up discord, something stopped him. _I could talk to Clay or George, they would understand, or listen. Something is wrong and you are in pain. Just talk to them._ He tried to reason with himself, but just as he would get close to reaching out, intrusive thoughts flooded his mind. _Stop being pathetic, you’re fine, and so are they without you. Don’t you think that they would’ve spoken to you by now if they really cared about you? They’re better off without you. You’re fat, and ugly, and you don’t deserve them._

_I haven’t checked my notifications, they might have reached out?_ He tried to reason with himself, but it felt weak. He was alone, and he was trapped in his mind.

Until one morning, there was a knock at the door of his apartment. It took almost all his energy to haul himself at the bed, and assuming that it would just be an amazon package that could be left on the porch he considered just not answering it at all, but he realised it could’ve been a PC part or something expensive.

The moment he opened the door, a pair of arms flung themselves around him. The headrush and shock caused him to fumble, and the force of the embrace made him take an instinctual step back. The man hugging him however clung to him tightly, one arm around his shoulders and the other around his head, running his hand through Sapnap’s hair. Eventually, Sapnap processed the situation and returned the hug, his arms clinging to the back of the other.

Eventually, the other pulled away, and cupped Sapnap’s face in his hands, with tears in his eyes. Sapnap

“George? What the fuck are you doing in Texas?” Sapnap managed to utter between laughs. A small part of him wanted to throw the other off, hide his face, tell him he was sorry, but George deserved much better than him. But he managed to ignore that, focussing on the part of him that wanted to lean into the touch, pull George back into another hug, curl up in George’s side on the sofa and never let go of him again.

George didn’t reply but brought Sapnap into a kiss. Sapnap had no idea what to think, relieved to see his boyfriend, confused as to why his boyfriend was standing in his doorway, and uncomfortable at the unfamiliarity feel of being held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're heading into the end now, and honestly I'm having so much fun writing some fluffy final chapters. We're all going to be okay :))  
> remember to be kind to yourselves, look after yourselves, and remember you are loved <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter has actually been split in half, with a second half coming soon, but it was getting really long, and I wanted to put some comfort out there (we're not out of the woods yet though, sorrY!!)   
> TW for panic attacks and kind of a little talk of derealization, but its mostly due to the intrusive thoughts...  
> But I do quickly want to say, HOLY SHIT thank you for all the support I've had from this!! The kudos and comments have been insane and honestly I'm so honored :)  
> Stay safe ily all <3

“Can I come in?” George asked, brushing a tear away from his cheek, overwhelmed with relief at finally being able to lay eyes on Sapnap. It was the first time at all he’d had any sort of contact with the younger in five days, three weeks since he saw his face, and over three months since they had touched. The absence of any communication had actually almost driven him insane worrying. He’d spent almost all day every day in a call with Dream, just waiting for Sapnap to join, but he never did. He had messaged Sapnap daily, checked his discord, twitch and Steam activity, only to find him completely offline. And then when he missed MCC without any word at all, Dream and George couldn’t take it anymore, and he took the first available flight out to Houston, which happened to be almost immediately after he booked it. It was insanely lucky George had thought, but it did mean that he hadn’t had much time to pack, with a rucksack stuffed full of clothes, and a carryon for his laptop. Not that he cared – getting to Sapnap was all that mattered, he could easily buy replacements for anything he had forgotten, and his parents were fine with looking after the dog while he was gone.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry… it’s a mess though, I’m sorry – I’ve been finding it hard to stay on top of things.” Sapnap confessed, thinking back to the last time he vacuumed, took out the trash, or cleared the cans of redbull out from under his desk.

“Nick, I don’t care. I’m just so happy to see you.” George assured, breathless from the combination of kissing and crying. He took a step back from his boyfriend to allow him to open the door and looked him over. Sapnap looked visibly thinner than he had done even three weeks ago when the younger had last showed his face on a video call. It threw George a bit, and worried him, thinking about how such a difference could’ve happened so quickly. But what worried him even more was just how weak he looked, the bags under his eyes, the way he leaned in the door frame for support.

Sapnap led George through his apartment and to the bedroom, constantly apologising for the mess. George hadn’t actually been to Sapnap’s house before, whenever they he was in America, they had always met in Florida, or all three of them visited somewhere new, but he knew Sapnap well enough to know that he was normally pretty tidy. The unvacuumed floors, dirty laundry, and accumulation of drinks cans littered around seemed painfully out of character.

“Baby, I don’t care about the trash, I can help clean up. Stop apologising, you’re okay.” He tried to reassure, leaning closer to bring his boyfriend into another kiss. Sapnap seemed almost hesitant, like he was afraid of being touched. George didn’t know how to respond, used to the younger being so tactile, clingy almost – not that he was complaining, he missed the constant physical affection whenever they were apart. He tried to ignore Sapnap’s apprehension, hoping he would get over it. “Nick, I missed you so much, kissies?”

Sapnap looked like he was about to break down, and George’s heart melted. “I missed you too, I really really did. I’m- I’m sorry.” He choked out, eyes brimming up with tears.

“Baby, please don’t apologise, you don’t need to be sorry. I just want to help. C’mon, lets go sit down, you look exhausted.” George said, guiding Sapnap through to his lounge and settling them both on the couch. He didn’t want to overwhelm his boyfriend and opted to take corner of the L sofa, away from him, though he’d rather just curl up in a ball at his side like he had become so used to.

Sapnap sat at the side and pulled his legs to his chest. “You-you never answered me, ya’know? Why are you in Texas?”

“Clay and I were so worried, no one had heard anything from for days. Clay called your mom on Friday, but she hadn’t heard from you – she said she’d call you, but you didn’t even pick up for her. And then you missed sign in for MCC, and Scott had to find a last-minute replacement. And we, we panicked and didn’t know what to do. We just thought you were in danger or something, so Clay and I, we got here as fast as we could. We just couldn’t cope knowing you were on your own, potentially not talking to anyone at all. I pulled out of MCC when I managed to get onto a flight within like 2 hours of deciding to leave – I mean it was crazy luck really, an 11 hour non-stop flight with tickets available, and a valid visa. Sorry, I’m stalling now…” George broke off, and looked over to Sapnap, who sat frozen, staring absently over to the wall. George just continued, “Clay’s driving. I left him on call with Alex and Karl, but I think he’s going to pull into the gas stop to sleep for a bit. He didn’t set out until crazy late last night – he took part in MCC, and won actually. And then he had to sort some stuff out, I don’t know what exactly, but things ready for twitch con I guess.”

“Wait, I missed MCC? What day is it?” Sapnap looked over to the clock on his wall, and back over to George, confused.

“Nick, its Sunday, 11am on Sunday. W- Look I don’t want to pressure you to talk, I know its hard, but please tell me what’s going on.” George pleaded.

“Sunday? How the fuck?” Sapnap stared over to the wall again, and started to shake a little. “What have I done? I-I George I don’t know how that happened, I just don’t feel like I’m real anymore… I’ve been so in my head and-” The younger started to gabble.

George shattered, _how long has this been going on? How have I let this happen? I just wish I had known sooner, done something sooner…_ “Wait, don’t panic baby, please, its okay.” He tried to hush his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry.” Sapnap whispered, tears now actually streaking his face, his breath hitched as he trembled. “You deserve better, I’m sorry. This isn’t fair on you, you should just… I-“

“Nick, no, stop apologising.” George reached out and crawled over to his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around the younger, trying to coax him gently out of the ball he had curled up in, hyperventilating. “What do you mean I deserve better? Baby, please don’t put yourself down like that. I love you too much.”

Sapnap didn’t say anything, but just muffled his sobs by crying into his knees. George rubbed his hand in circles over his boyfriends back and hummed softly, letting him cry. “Keep breathing, okay? I love you, and I care about you. And whatever is happening, I just want you to be okay. I came to Texas because I love you and I was worried that you were in pain. And, and I don’t want you to be hurting, or alone. Yeah? And you aren’t alone now – because I’m here. You’re going to be alright, I promise.” George mumbled, letting Sapnap cry.

At some point, the younger uncurled and clung to George, burying his face in George’s hoodie. George sighed and readjusted so they would both be more comfortable, relieved that Sapnap would let himself be comforted. He cradled Sapnap close, and carded through his unwashed hair, gently teasing out the occasional tangle, constantly trying to reassure him. They stayed like that for long minutes, before Sapnap eventually began to calm down. George felt comforted knowing that he could finally hold Sapnap again and knowing that he was safe.

“Focus on me baby, on my breathing. Remember what’s real. Remember I’m real. You’re gonna be okay.” George mumbled, planting kisses on his forehead.

When Sapnap came out the panic attack, he immediately pulled away from George, startling him as as he’d almost drifted off, exhausted from the flight and comforted by having Sapnap in his arms. “Huh?” he questioned, slightly dazed.

“I’m sorry.” Sapnap blushed, tear-stricken cheeks going red with embarrassment.

“What for?” George asked, “you don’t need to apologise Nick, you were having a panic attack. Besides, I love cuddling you.”

“I must’ve been crushing you.” He mumbled.

“Baby, we were cuddling, you weren’t crushing me.”

“I’m heavy.”

“What?” George questioned, instantly regretting the harsh and defensive tone he’d used, but he was just confused and hurt.

“I- I said I’m heavy.” He said bluntly.

“Darling, you aren’t heavy. Why would you say that?”

“I’m nearly 190 pounds – and that’s 20 pounds down from last time I saw you.”

“Love, that’s a healthy weight. You’re strong, and muscly, and handsome. You don’t need to worry about your weight.”

“’m not cute like you. I’m huge, and disgusting and I have fat thighs and a tummy and-” He mumbled. George felt his heart drop at the soft resignation in his voice.

“Of course you’re cute Sap. I love every bit of you, just the way you are, and I know Clay does as well. Your thighs and tummy are adorable, they’re healthy, and they’re normal. You aren’t huge or disgusting, I promise.” George tried to reach out to Sapnap again, but the younger pulled away.

“But look at me, you must love Clay more.” Sapnap protested, angry tears beginning to form in his eyes again.

George looked pleadingly at him, “That’s not true. Please don’t let yourself think that. I love you and Clay both so much, equally. Nick, I couldn’t possibly love you any more than I do right now. You’re beautiful, handsome, and so so pretty. But even if you weren’t, which you are, I wouldn’t care, because I love you because you’re you. It doesn’t have anything with how you look. Please, let me cuddle you?”

Sapnap sat still, looking pained, but he didn’t pull away when George brought him back into a gentle embrace. “you don’t think I’m disgusting?” Sapnap whispered.

“Of course not.” George whispered back, tucking Sapnap’s head under his chin and running his hands soothingly over his back and arms, planting kisses in his hair. “Nick I’m so sorry you’ve been on your own. You don’t deserve to feel like this, and I wish I was here sooner. You’re going to be okay.”

“Sometimes Georgie, I don’t feel real.” Sapnap confessed quietly, it was barely audible as he mumbled into George’s chest. George felt himself welling up at the hurt in his boyfriend’s voice, just wishing that somehow he could take his pain away. The Brit pulled him even closer to his chest until Sapnap was forced into George’s lap.

“It’s okay. You are real, and you’ll feel real again.”

“What if I don’t?”

“You will baby, I promise.” George hummed.

“How do you know?” Sapnap asked.

“I know everything.” George smiled into his boyfriend’s hair and rocked them back and forth a little. They sat in silence, listening to the sounds of each other’s breath fall for a while.

“’m tired Georgie.” Sapnap mumbled.

“Then sleep baby. You wanna move to bed?” George replied.

He felt Sapnap shake his head. “Don’t mean sleepy. I mean I’m exhausted.”

George sighed quietly. “Then stop fighting, just for a minute. Let yourself exist, and let me look after you, and love you.” He whispered into Sapnap’s hair, running one hand across the American’s back, and the other to cup the back of his neck and stroke his hair.

Eventually, George felt the tension fall out of Sapnap as he curled into a tighter ball and drifted asleep. George stayed still for a few moments, to let his boyfriend settle. He was tempted to let himself sleep to, the jetlag already getting to him. _No, you slept for like 8 hours on the plane. Right now, you need to be here for Nick. Clean the house, make dinner, and fill Clay in,_ he told himself, and slowly, he pried Sapnap off of his lap. He settled the younger lying down in the corner of the sofa and tucked him into a reasonably soft and semi-clean blanket that he found in his room.

He crept around the lounge and picked up the empty cans, wrappers and laundry, before doing the same in Sapnap’s bedroom and streaming office. _How much sugar free redbull and Gatorade can one guy drink?_ He couldn’t help but ask himself as he filled an entire trash bag up.

He put fresh sheets on the bed and put a load of laundry and changed the towels in the bathroom. He wanted to vacuum, but couldn’t bring himself to, at the risk of waking Sapnap. Instead, he moved to the kitchen. Compared to the rest of Sapnap’s trashed apartment, it was clean – as though and he had hardly been in there at all. It unnerved him a little, realising just how little Sapnap had probably eaten over the past few weeks. George sifted through his boyfriend’s fridge and food cabinets, finding them all pretty much empty, save for a few wilted vegetables and boxes of stale cereal. George debated ordering takeout for dinner, it would’ve saved effort and he had been craving Panda Express for weeks, but decided against it. Instead, he wanted to cook for Sapnap. He wasn’t the best at cooking, but he remembered the time when his mom had made his boyfriends all mac n’ cheese the first time he introduced them to his family and Sapnap had gone on about how good it was it was days. George was pretty sure he knew how to make it, and he thought it would be a nice surprise for the American, especially if he hadn’t had a decent meal in a while.

He stuck his head into the lounge to see Sapnap sound asleep. George scrawled a little note on a piece of paper Sapnap had lying on the side table, _just gone to the store really quickly, I’ll be back soon I promise. Let me know if you need anything. I love you xx_ before taking Sapnap’s car keys off the side and headed out for Walmart.

 _Automatic car? God, I hate these things, what is it with Americans and not using a clutch?_ He thought as he dialled Dream’s number.

“Hey Clay, how’s the driving?”

“Alright, not going to lie, I fell asleep for a lot longer than I thought I would, I’m still like 3 hours away and I might stop and eat at some point too.” Dreamd yawned. “How are things with you? I’m glad you arrived safely, is Nick okay? I wanted to call you as soon as I woke up, but I was worried I would be interrupting something…”

“I mean, I’m glad you didn’t call, but it wasn’t exciting like that.” George laughed nervously. “I honestly don’t know if Nick is okay or not. I mean, he’s alive, which is the main thing. But Jesus, he’s lost weight – he said something like over 20 pounds in three weeks. That’s not normal right? And he had a huge panic attack – which is why I’m glad you didn’t call…”

“Oh baby. How is he now? Do you know what caused it?”

“He’s asleep I think. I’ve left him to buy groceries and hopefully he won’t wake up before I get back. He- he said he didn’t ‘feel real’, and that was why he lost track of time and missed MCC. I don’t think he’s turned his phone or PC on since we last spoke to him. But he umm… he said he felt fat and disgusting, and- and that” George felt himself choking up, “That we deserve better than him, and I must love you more, and that I probably think he’s disgusting.”

Dream was silent for a long moment. “I can’t believe we left him on his own for so long. God, I wish I never left him. I’ve been so fucking worried something like this was happening, but just assumed that he would’ve reached out. God I’m _so stupid_ ” he cursed.

“Clay, darling, no. Please don’t blame yourself. You’re literally driving across the country to get to him, you can’t do anything more right now. How would either of us known this was happening. We’re here for him now, that’s what matters.” George tried to reassure, but it felt like a lie as he said it.

Dream let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry Georgie, I’m just worried. How are you doing though?”

“It’s okay, I’m worried too. I’m pretty tired to be honest, jet lag is getting to me already, and I slept on the flight but I’m ready to crash again. And I’m worried I’m going to do something wrong. Nick just seems so fragile, and I don’t want to do anything to upset him. He didn’t want me to hug or touch him, and it scared me a bit, normally he’s so clingy and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to calm him down or anything.”

“Don’t worry baby, you’re doing amazing, I know you are. And I’ll be with you soon. God I haven’t said it much because I’ve been so worried about Nick, but I’ve missed you like crazy. My smart, handsome Georgie with his beautiful face and level head.” Dream cooed.

“Simp” George laughed. “I’ve missed you too. Can’t believe we’re gonna be in the same room again in a couple hours.” He added sincerely.

Dream hummed contently. “We’re gonna be okay. Nick’s gonna be okay.”

“I know Clay.” George assured.

“Honestly, I think I said that for myself.”

“that’s okay too. But you’re right. We’re gonna be okay.” George said gently. “Alright, I’ve made it to Walmart. Nick has like no food in his house, but I don’t want to do a huge shop and risk him waking up on his own. Do you want anything?”

“Umm, I’ve been craving Reese’s for like 2 hours now, but I might just get some at the next gas stop. Ooh, Jolly ranchers and Gatorade please.”

“Alright. Well, I love you, and I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Love you too baby, bye.” Dream said as he hung up and George went to grab the groceries, hoping that Sapnap would still be sleeping when he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating in the morning??? Yes, I finished this during an extremely boring online lecture :p
> 
> Look after yourself, and update coming soon as I've already written half this next chapter. (Not going to lie, I got super distracted and wrote the final chapter already...)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this turned out to be a little angstier than I had anticipated... I hope it stays kind of realistic?? ngl, i found it hard to get the tone quite right for this so I really hope its okay

Sapnap woke up on the sofa to a silent but tidy house, wrapped up in his favourite blanket that had the faint scent of George’s cologne lingering on it. There was a moment where he thought that he had just dreamed that George had turned up on his doorstep. That probably would’ve made more sense if it hadn’t have been for George’s chicken scrawl note left by his head and the fact that someone had taken the trash out.

Sapnap wasn’t sure what to make of any of the past couple hours. There was a moment for the first time in ages that he had _felt something for real,_ and it scared him endlessly. But that was also the first time in ages where he let his guard down in the slightest, let himself be held, let himself be consoled. There was a moment when he felt loveable, loved even.

_No, you’re just a burden. That’s why he’s gone already, he couldn’t stand you, not even for a couple hours. Besides, George had to say everything he did, he’s your boyfriend. He doesn’t actually mean it, you are heavy. You must’ve been crushing him as you clung to him like that. Which was weak of you by the way._ The voices bombarded him all at once, overwhelming him.

_That’s not true, he’s gone to get groceries. He’ll be back. And he cleaned the apartment because he’s staying. He wouldn’t have bothered if he wasn’t staying. And George doesn’t lie._ He tried to argue back, curling tighter in on himself and holding the blanket close. He buried his face in it, trying to calm himself down again, too exhausted for a third panic attack in a row.

_God you’re stupid._ He thought. _You don’t feel real? You feel fat and disgusting? Why would you say those things to George. That’s not fair on him. Besides, you are disgusting, how fucking narcissistic are you to act like you don’t deserve to feel like this. You deserve to starve._

_Shut up, shut up._ Sapnap willed himself to move, as if somehow he could just get up and walk away from the voices in his head. He forced himself to pick up his phone for the first time in days, it sat chargeless on his side table. He plugged it in and booted up his PC. He kept his discord on invisible but scrolled through some of the unopened messages.

They all followed a similar line, but there were hundreds of them, from anyone who had access to his DMs or group chats. _Please reply, I’m worried about you, we haven’t heard from you, join the vc, come on my stream, talk to me?, I miss you, I love you, please take care of yourself_ … Sapnap was overwhelmed. Each and every one of them was a message of concern, support, affirmation.

_Look what you’ve done. Everyone was being nice to you and all you did was push them away._ The voice snaked in his head.

_No, its not like that, I wanted to reach out to people. If anything it was these thoughts that stopped me._ Sapnap protested. He didn’t have the energy to reply to anything, but he trawled through them all.

He opened his phone to find his texts looking pretty similar. Countless calls from Dream and George had been missed and a couple from his mom – she had left a voice mail.

“Nick sweetie, when you get this can you give me a quick call back? I haven’t heard from you for a few days and I’ve had a worried phone call from Clay. Is everything okay? I’m out of state for a few days, but I’ll be back on Tuesday if you want to come round for dinner? It would be lovely to see you again. I love you, bye bye.” The pre-recorded message rhetorted.

He couldn’t bring himself to call her, but he left her a text. _Hey mom! I hope your trip is going well. I’ve had a bit of a rough couple weeks but I’m doing better now. George just arrived in Texas, which was the craziest surprise – we weren’t supposed to meet for another week in San Diego._

The reply came back instantly: _Oh goodness, its so great to hear from you. Clay said they were planning on coming to Texas – when I said I couldn’t come and check on you. Which I’m sorry about by the way, if I had known things were bad I would’ve been straight over. I love you._

_I love you too mom_ He smiled at his phone as sent the message. A part of him wanted to call her, tell her that the thoughts had come back, and that he was struggling with his weight again, but he thought against it. _She doesn’t need to worry about me. I can get over this myself. Besides, I am fat, and I’m losing weight like this, so its fine._

Then he did something he knew he’d regret before he even did it, and he opened twitter. He couldn’t be bothered with his feed, and just went straight to the #sapnap just to say what people had been up to when he was away.

Again, most of the tags were well wishing messages. “If Sapnap needs a mental health break, then we support him through that.” One tweet read. Another said “I missed Sapnap at MCC yesterday and I hope he’s okay.” “I hope sippy cup is good, I miss him.”

“Sapnap absent from MCC and then George pulled out last minute??? Are they together??” Sapnap glanced in the replies to see the ratio’d comment of “Don’t be ridiculous #dnf”.

_Look, Dreamnotfound again. Those two were made for each other._ He thought sadly. _And you were made to be with them too, its okay._ Sapnap reassured himself.

He carried on and scrolled through the fanart tags, knowing it was probably a bad idea. There were hundreds of drawings by insanely talented artists. He screenshot a few cool manhunt scenes, but secretly, his favourite fan arts were the ones of Dream George and him cuddling or taking a nap. Most of them were probably made as a joke, and George thought it was kind of weird, but for Sapnap, they had always been really comforting, and made him feel less alone when he was away from his boyfriends. He screenshot another fan art – it was cool, and the accuracy of Dream’s face was uncanny seeing as none of the fans had actually seen his face. But he couldn’t help but hyper focus on how he’d been drawn as a super slim anime boy. It made him feel disappointed in himself again. People expected him to be small and cute like George next to a handsome, lean, Dream, and yet he just, wasn’t.

And that’s when he saw it. A fanart of him drawn as “plus size” next to a teeny tiny little George and a blown out of proportion tall Dream. _Is that what people really think of me?_ He questioned as he pulled up the picture full screen. His eyes traced over all the lines of the art, George stood pushing his clout goggles onto his head as Dream wrapped his arms around him – and George barely stood tall enough to reach his chest. Dream’s stupid porcelain mask was obscuring a menacing grin and off to the side of them, there he stood sharpening a netherite sword. All his curves were accentuated painfully, and he looked at least 3 times the size of Dream. _Do I really look like this?_

He stared at the picture for long moments, thinking about how huge he must look compared to Dream and George. _Twitch con is in a week. People are going to see you standing next to George and Clay, and you’re going to look like **this**? That’s appalling. _He didn’t try and fight the thought.

He kept scrolling through the fan art tags looking at the art and falling further into a spiral of self loathing, wishing he could just be like the slim anime boys the fan arts made him, and wondering if he was really as fat as he looked in others.

“Nick? You awake?” George asked, poking his head into the office. Sapnap quickly jumped to his feed and spun around to see George, still holding onto two bags of groceries.

“George!” Sapnap almost shouted, “You came back!” _God damnit you sound pathetic._

“Yeah of course I did, I just went to Walmart darling. You didn’t have any food in your house.” George smiled. “Why wouldn’t I come back?”

“Umm, I don’t know, I was just being dumb, sorry.” He mumbled. “Can I help with the groceries?”

“Yeah, that would be a big hand, there are a few more bags in the car boot.”

Sapnap set down his headset got up to follow George out to the car. But after about three seconds his legs seemed to give out under him and he blacked out. He fell into the door frame, gripping it for support.

“Nick!” George spun around and rushed over to him. The Brit gently held his hands out and eased Sapnap down until he was sitting on the floor. “You’re okay baby, just stay still for a minute. You black out?”

“Y-yeah.” Sapnap sighed resting his head against the wall to wait to regain his eyesight.

“This happen a lot?” George asked tentatively.

“Sometimes.”

“Have you eaten today?”

“no.”

George sighed. “Alright, stay here a second.” He said and quickly ran off to grab something. He returned a couple seconds later with a can of Dr Pepper that he handed to the younger and slid down onto the floor next to him.

“Georgie, this isn’t sugar free, I can’t drink it.” Sapnap said quietly as he inspected the can.

“Sure, you can. You need the sugar content right now; I don’t want you to pass out.”

“But, there are calories in that.” He whined as he tried to hand the drink back.

George was insistent, “Yeah there are. You need them. Calories are just a measure of energy. You don’t have any energy right now, so you gotta drink that baby. We’re not moving until its gone. Or do you want a different drink, or some food?”

“No, this is okay.” Sapnap said as his shaky hands fumbled to open the can. He took a tentative sip, and George beamed at him, like he had just done something actually impressive. Sapnap couldn’t mask his glare back quick enough. George looked a little hurt. “Sorry, its just, awkward. You don’t need to act like you’re proud of me for drinking soda.” He mumbled.

“I’m just relieved. I just want you to be okay. You haven’t been looking after yourself properly.” George said sadly, and took his phone out so he wasn’t looking at Sapnap. Sapnap didn’t know if that made him feel any more comfortable or not.

“I just don’t want to be fat anymore.” He said quietly.

“You aren’t fat. You never were. Besides, you aren’t losing weight right now, you’re starving yourself.” George pleaded.

Sapnap forced himself not to cry and downed the drink. _He doesn’t understand. But how could he? He’s thin. Its okay, its just a Dr Pepper. You can work it off later or something._

“alright, well done. I’m gonna go get the rest of the shopping in. You need a hand getting somewhere more comfortable?” George asked.

Sapnap pursed his lips. “I can get up, I feel better. I’ll help with the bags don’t worry.”

“You just nearly passed out.”

“You don’t know how to unpack my groceries right.” Sapnap reasoned.

“Fine, but take it easy.” George caved and allowed the younger to take some of the bags through to the kitchen and direct him on where to unpack things.

“I wasn’t going to do a big shop, I didn’t want you to wake up on your own. But then I realised that the three of us get through a lot of food, and also, I was thinking that maybe I would cook tonight.”

“Oh?” Sapnap turned to face George, who lived almost exclusively on uber eats when he was in America.

“Yeah – mac n cheese. My mother made it for you when you came over and I remembered you’d liked it. I thought it would be nice if I made you something proper – seeing as its our first night together in ages, and I don’t think you’ve been eating too well.” George said as he held up the bag of pasta.

Sapnap froze. _I can’t eat mac n cheese._ He wanted to beg George, _there’s so much fat, and carbs in that. Its so unhealthy. I feel sick thinking about it._ But he knew his boyfriend wouldn’t understand, and they would just have another argument, and he was much too tired for that. _He wants you to be fat – it will give him an excuse to leave you. I don’t blame him either._

He was shaken out of his headspace as George crashed around his kitchen. “Babe, where are the saucepans?”

“Right, umm, let me grab one for you.” Sapnap said, opening the one cabinet George had failed to check, before pulling up a seat at the kitchen island, opposite where his boyfriend was working.

Sitting and watching George cook had a weirdly comforting domesticity about it. He suddenly became acutely aware of what was actually happening. George had flown halfway across the world, just to make him dinner, and all Sapnap had done for the whole day was cry. It had been a full 3 months since they had last seen each other, and the most intimate thing they had done was… cry?

“Hey George?”

“Yes baby?” George said, looking up from the bacon he was slicing.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” George asked, setting down his knife for a second to study the American.

Sapnap pouted. “For everything. For dinner, for helping me, for coming all the way to Texas just because I couldn’t reply to my goddamn text messages.”

George laughed a little, “I did it for myself as much as for you, I was so worried about you, and all I wanted was to be near you. Oh god that sounds corny.”

“Only a little… You really mean that?”

“Of course I do, nimrod. I forget how nice this is, being sat in the same room, doing normal things that normal partners do.”

“I missed this too, I’m sorry its not… normal, normal.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean that I’m sorry that you felt that you had to fly out because you were that worried about me, and that we aren’t spending time together normally. You’ve been here all day and I’ve hardly spoken to you because I was sleeping. And you must’ve spent that whole time cleaning. And then when I woke up you were doing the grocery shop, and I was scared for a second that you were leaving me. And now I’m complaining again, and… I haven’t even asked how your flight was.”

“You don’t need to be sorry Nick. All this has only happened because we’re long distance, and that can’t be helped. You needed that sleep, and I don’t mind that I’ve been cleaning and shopping. _I’m_ sorry that I left you, but if that ever happens again, you know that I won’t ever actually leave you. I promise I’ll always come back. But you want to talk normal couple things, huh? Well, my flight was really nice. The only seats available were first class, so I’m not complaining, I slept for most of it and the complimentary champagne was nice?” George laughed.

“alright, just because you’re old enough to drink.” Sapnap pouted. “How have the past couple weeks been, since… well, since I haven’t been talking much?”

“I mean, the same as usual… We missed you on tales of the smp last week, it was sick – have you seen it? And then on Friday I went to pizza hut with Wilbur, Tommy and Tubbo – I wore your merch and acted as your substitute in Tommy’s MCC meetup.”

“Oh that’s cool – I feel bad for missing it, I really do. I don’t really know what happened but I lost track of time and forgot.”

“No don’t worry… you’ll never guess who took your place.” George smirked.

“no idea.”

“Ranboo.” George laughed.

“Oh no way, I guess it was worth missing it then.” Sapnap laughed. “I got to see you too.” He smiled nervously.

“That’s true, but you know you don’t have to scare us into thinking you died to talk to us right?”

“I’ll try not to do it again.” He mumbled sheepishly. Sapnap didn’t want to bring the conversation back to this again. “Can I help with anything?”

“Sure baby, I’d appreciate it if you could grate some cheese. Can I ask what you’ve been up to?” George asked cautiously.

“not much. CSGO on an alt mostly. Tried to work out occasionally, but mostly just slept.” Sapnap and George made idle conversation about coding for three quarters of an hour, until the Brit placed a large tray of macaroni in the oven with a satisfied sigh.

“Alright, this needs half an hour I think. You wanna put a show on?” George asked, sliding round the kitchen island to wrap his arms around Sapnap from behind.

The slightly sudden contact made Sapnap jump. He wanted to wince, to pull away again, to ask George why he could possibly want to touch him. _Don’t, it’ll break his heart. And it will start up another conversation_ he willed himself to turn around and plant a small peck on George’s cheek. “Alright, you can choose though.”

They settled on the sofa, and over the course of the half an hour, George got increasingly closer to Sapnap, until his head was resting in the younger’s lap. The urge to throw him off his lap became overwhelming, as he felt George’s head rest against his stomach. _Disgusting. He can’t be comfortable, look at you, you’re so fat._ The thoughts taunted, until he was finally saved by the timer.

If saved was a word he could use, because only a minute later he found himself sitting next to George at the kitchen counter with a huge bowl of macaroni cheese pushed in front of him. He pushed some of it around on his plate with the fork and looked over to George, who looked insanely proud of his meal, as he covered the dish in foil and returned it to the cooling oven for Dream when he arrived that night.

“Eat up Nick, its okay.” George encouraged. The sweetness of his voice made Sapnap feel sick enough without having to think about the meal set before him.

“I c-can’t George, you don’t understand.” Sapnap sighed, the hurt on George’s face almost breaking him.

“Sure you can baby, it’s a meal. Everyone needs to eat. Just a little bit of it at least?” George pleaded gently.

Sapnap couldn’t bring himself to upset George anymore, and took a cautious bite. It was good, so good – creamy in the middle but crispy on top, with bacon and sweet potato. “Didn’t know you could cook this well Georgie.”

“I’m full of surprises.” George said smugly.

“’course you are. What else can you make?” Sapnap asked, a mischievous grin growing on his face, letting down his guard enough to take another bite.

“Spag bol, and chicken nuggies.” Came the proud reply, through a mouthful of pasta. Sapanap rolled his eyes and continued to eat while George recited some random story about his puppy and how he hoped he could find the pair of Yeezy’s he was after in Texas. Sapnap listened, and thought about how much he missed just listening to George’s voice. And it escaped his notice that he had completely finished the macaroni George had set out before him, until the Brit picked up the plate to stack the dishwasher.

_That’s some serious lack of control right there. You ate all that food without even noticing?_ Dream’s voice questioned in his mind, disgusted. _No, I need to eat, I basically passed out today because I was so hungry. Besides, George cooked specially, it would’ve been rude to have left it._ He reasoned, and got up to help George wipe the surfaces down and clean the kitchen.

George’s phone buzzed on the counter. **_Clay_** _: Traffic_ _☹ I think I’ve been put another hour + ½ behind at least. Don’t wait up if you’re tired, you’ve had a long flight and Nick needs rest._

Sapnap read the message out to his partner before replying himself. **_George:_** _This is Nick :D I will wait up if I want to, you can’t stop me. Don’t text and drive._

**_Clay:_ ** _Hi baby, you have no idea how happy I am to hear from you! thanks for the concern, but not much driving going on right now – Gridlock. I’ll see you in a couple hours._

“Alright, I’m not going to force you to bed, but I can’t stay awake for much longer. I showered and unpacked while you were sleeping earlier, so I might just crash.”

Sapnap considered staying up and playing something until Dream arrived, but he wasn’t convinced he could trust himself alone with his thoughts again. “I’ll come to bed with you, but I’ll try stay up for Clay.”

Sapnap followed George through to the bedroom, where the older changed into a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. “Can I wear one of your hoodies?” He blinked innocently.

“Sure, but its super warm, and you’ll overheat in 3 minutes.” Sapnap rolled his eyes and tossed a sweater over to George. The Brit tugged it on and giggled as it hung slightly too large on him and he flapped his arms. _You’re the same height – in fact he’s slightly taller than you. You should be the same clothes size_ he thought as he picked up a pair of shorts and t shirt for sleeping in to change into.

“Where you going?” George from under the covers as Sapnap headed for the door.

“Bathroom.” He replied. _I can’t change in front of you, I don’t want you to see me_ he didn’t add.

When he returned, George was already half asleep. “Cuddle me.” He mumbled incoherently, and rolled over, practically forcing himself into Sapnap’s arms. Sapnap wrapped his arms around George, as he snuggled close into his chest.

George fell asleep moments later, leaving Sapnap to the conflicting thoughts that raced through his mind. On one hand, he felt George sleeping in his arms. He knew he was loveable and he was loved. George had flown across the world and Dream was on his way, just to make sure that he was safe. George had promised that he wasn’t disgusting and that he was healthy and not fat, and was curled up in his arms to prove it. That had to count for something.

But at the same time, his head was filled with thoughts and voices that told him he wasn’t good enough, that he was hideous, and fat, and that Dream and George were better off without him. Over the past few weeks he had grown accustomed to listening to them, and they had grown louder and more controlling than ever, overwhelming him with guilt if he dared to try to ignore them. Somehow, George lying next to him seemed to make them worse, as they reminded him of how perfect George was compared to him.

And he felt uncomfortably full, the incredibly rich macaroni cheese sitting uncomfortably, as the first large meal he’d eaten in a good few days. He was bloated, and George cuddling him only heightened he self-loathing. _You’d be easier to cuddle if you were thinner._ He thought.

_Are you really just going to lie there? After eating so much food? You lost control so badly that you didn’t even realise you ate it all. Its weak, pathetic, and disgusting. You really are awful._ A single tear slid down Sapnap’s face in hatred. Gently, he slid out of bed and sat on the bathroom floor, the cool tiles grounding him a little.

_Its fine, its one meal. I need to eat. I shouldn’t feel bad, George and Clay love me just as much as I love them._

_Do you really love them? Because if you did then you would try harder to lose weight. To be pretty for them._

Sapnap rest his head in his knees and sighed. _I wish I could just tell them, tell anyone._ He thought, but the voice replied quickly, and clearer than ever before. **_Don’t._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, look after yourselves <3
> 
> I promise that in the next chapter everything's going to be okay!!
> 
> I'm thinking about maybe taking requests for one shots (I won't write smut or anything about cc's that have not said that they are okay with it) and posting them to a series that I will add this to? (if that makes sense??) So, if you want to see anything, lemme know and I will do my best (maybe...)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally, the angsty comfort we've been waiting 9 chapters for... sorry it took so long, I got distracted...

It was late by the time Dream pulled up out Sapnap’s house. _20 hours in this old van, what a roadtrip. The irony is killing me, and God so is my back. I’m flying next time._ He thought as he cracked his neck and grabbed one of his bags from out the trunk. He kicked Sapnap’s spare key out from underneath the doormat and snuck into the dark house.

Sapnap’s apartment was pretty small, but thanks to George, it was considerably neater than the last time Dream had visited. He flipped on the kitchen light and glanced at the note George had left on the side. _I’m sorry if we’re asleep when you arrive :( mac cheese in oven if you want though (if not can you move to fridge??) xx_

Dream slipped the note into his back pocket and headed towards the bedroom, absolutely desperate to finally lay eyes on his boyfriends, to slip into a warm bed between them, to kiss them and hold them. He was finally in the same building as Sapnap, he would be able to hear his voice again and actually know that he was okay, and maybe as a result finally get a good night’s sleep after restless weeks of worrying.

A choked sob from the bathroom stopped him dead in his tracks. _Oh Nick_ he sighed and changed course for the sounds, his heart breaking as he did. The door was left slightly ajar and he could see the silhouette of his boyfriend leant over the toilet bowl. For a split second, he was flooded with relief at the surreal sight of Sapnap in person before he registered the situation.

 _If only you’d gotten here sooner. If only there wasn’t traffic. If only you’d just never fucking left him on his own in the first place. God why would he do this to himself? Its fucking dangerous, and he doesn’t need to._ _How long has he been doing this for? Fuck, what if he did this when I bought him those takeaways. God this is my fault._ He thought, feeling himself welling up in a mix of anger and guilt. _No. Don’t get angry, for once in your goddamn life just calm down, you need to be here for Nick now. It’s no one’s fault._

“Nick baby, stop. You don’t need to do that anymore.” Dream rushed into the bathroom, dumping the sports bag he had slung over his shoulder onto the floor and crouching next to his boyfriend, placing his hands on Sapnap’s back lightly to pull him away. “You’re alright, I’m gonna clean you up okay? I’m here now. We’re gonna sort things out.”

Sapnap immediately slumped against the wall, frozen. His eyes were glassy with tears as he stared absently passed Dream. He coughed and let out a small whimper but didn’t say anything. Dream cupped the back of his head for a second as he stood up and grabbed a washcloth off the side of the sink basin. As he waited for the water to warm, he didn’t take his eyes off the Texan, who hadn’t moved or said anything.

Sapnap didn’t even flinch as Dream knelt back down next to him to wipe his face and hands before planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. “I’m sorry George and I weren’t here sooner. You shouldn’t’ve been left on your own. But it’s gonna be okay I promise. I’ll sort things out, you won’t need to hurt yourself like this anymore.” He cooed has he worked.

“C-clay no. This isn’t… you shouldn’t see me like this, its not fair.” Sapnap stuttered out eventually, pulling away and trying to defensively put his arms up to his face.

Dream shushed him gently and took half a step back. “It’s alright, I want to be here pandas, I love you.”

“N-no” he mumbled, starting to hyperventilate. _Shit_ Dream thought, _another panic attack? Is this his third today? God I should’ve been gentler._

“Nick darling, I think you’re having a panic attack. It’s okay love, listen to my voice. I know you don’t think you want to, but you have to, okay?” Dream insisted. He just wanted to wrap his arms around his shaking boyfriend and hold him until he calmed down, but the defensiveness of Sapnap told him it wasn’t the best plan.

He sat down opposite Sapnap with his legs crossed, close to but not actually touching him. “Its okay baby, breathe with me, yeah?” Dream said gently, inhaling and exhaling emphatically. Sapnap looked up at him pleadingly, his breath hitched. Tentatively, Dream leaned forward and took up his hand, kissed his knuckles and placed it on his own chest. “Feel my chest rise and fall, yeah? You do that too. That’s it baby, well done.” He smiled, as slowly, Sapnap’s breath began to even out.

“Alright? Good job. Can I touch you?” Dream asked, arms outstretched.

“Can’t move.” Sapnap said weakly. Dream nodded and shifted over so he was sat next to the Texan. He wrapped his arm around Sapnap’s shoulders, and the younger leaned in with a sigh, head resting on his chest. They stayed still for a while on the cool bathroom floor, comforted by each other’s presence. Dream carded through Sapnap’s evidently unwashed hair, thankful that he could finally hold Sapnap again, but saddened that it had to be on the bathroom floor post-panic attack.

“What’s happened Nick?” Dream sighed after waiting for what he thought was long enough to allow Sapnap to calm down.

“I- I can’t explain it properly.” Sapnap mumbled into Dream’s chest.

“Can you try? You need to tell us what’s wrong, so we can help.” He promptly gently.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine.” Dream sighed and untucked Sapnap from his arm so they could make eye contact. They both looked pleadingly at the other until Sapnap sighed.

“Clay, there are voices. And thoughts. And I know they aren’t real, but sometimes they get too much, and it feels like they’re telling the truth. And they don’t _shut up._ Not until I listen to them…” Sanpap choked out desperately.

Dream chewed on his bottom lip. “What do they say?”

“T-that I’m fat and disgusting, and that you love George more and that you’re better off without me, and that I… that I deserve to starve.”

 _Shit you idiot, you just made him say that out loud._ Dream cursed himself. He didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything, and instead just pulled Sapnap into a tight hug, and rest his chin on Sapnap’s head. “None of that is true. You know that right?” he whispered eventually.

“I tried to fight them, all day. But I can’t. I’m not strong enough. And I get scared that you’re going to leave me. And why wouldn’t you? Look at me.” Sapnap said, suddenly getting angry and pulling away from Dream.

“The thoughts again?” Dram coaxed.

Sapnap sighed and slumped against him again. “Yeah.”

“Thank you for telling me, you have no idea how worried I’ve been.” He said gently and held Sapnap tightly. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll get you some help okay? You ever tried therapy before?”

Sapnap didn’t say anything, but Dream felt him shake his head against his chest. “Alright, well its great. This is a conversation for tomorrow. We’re both exhausted. You wanna brush your teeth and get to bed?”

“I wanna bath first. You don’t want to share a bed with me like this.”

“I don’t care, but if you want one that’s fine. I’ll run it for you.” Dream said and slowly moved to stand.

“Clay, lemme bath on my own. Go unpack.” Sapnap objected.

“’m not leaving you. My things can wait.” Dream replied stubbornly.

“No, please. I- you can’t see me like this.” He half begged.

“Nick you’re beautiful, and its really not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

“Please leave.” He said quietly.

“Not happening. What if I face the wall? Just so I know you aren’t on your own.” Dream asked as he drew a bath.

“Fine, just because I know you won’t leave. But please don’t turn around.” Sapnap resigned. Dream nodded and moved to sit and face the bathroom door.

The pair made quiet and slightly awkward conversation, as Dream scrolled through twitter and Sapnap sunk into the bath.

“Nick?” a voice called from the other side of the closed door.

“George!” Dream shouted excitedly.

“No, don’t look. I’m having a bath.” Sapnap whined as George burst in.

“Hey, don’t worry, I promise I won’t look darling. I’ll face the wall like Clay alright?” George said with his eyes squeezed tightly shut. Dream reached up and pulled him into his lap.

“Hi Clay” George giggled as he turned to face the door like Dream, his back leant against Dream’s chest.

Dream wrapped his arms around him and kissed his neck. “Hey baby, long time no see.”

“Missed you.” George whispered.

“Missed you too.” Dream smiled into George’s hair.

“Missed you three. Don’t miss the privacy invasion.” Sapnap mumbled.

“Nick, I mean it when I say it: I’m not leaving you. Ever again.” Dream said, half sternly.

Sapnap mumbled something incoherent and wrapped himself in a towel. “Can you leave me to go get some jammies?”

“George can, I need to shower now.” Dream said, pushing the Brit out of his lap. George groaned and skuttled off, returning with clothes for Sapnap, as Dream peeled off his hoodie. He was about to toss it to the laundry hamper when a pair of puppy eyes stopped him.

“You sure you want this one Pandas? I can get you a fresh one, you just got out the bath.” Sapnap just pouted, as Dream fished a clean jumper out the bag he had earlier discarded – one he knew was the Texan’s favourite. He tugged it on, and it hung loser on his frame than Dream remembered, and he had to mask a saddened sigh as he wiggled around in it.

“C’mon Nick, let’s get you to bed, I’m gonna grab Clay’s stuff out the van.” George called.

“I can help?” Sapnap offered, following the brit out.

When Dream had finished in the shower, Sapnap had put all his PC boxes in a spare room. “You moving in?” He joked stepping over the piles of boxes.

“For a while, until I know you’re okay.” He replied earnestly. Sapnap hummed. “Alright, I know this is hard, but I think you need to eat something for bed.”

Sapnap’s look jumped immediately from content to panicked once again. “Hey, its okay. You deserve to eat, and I’m right here. We’re both right here, and we won’t leave you.” He said, making grabby hands for both Sapnap and George. “I’ll let you pick what you eat as well, don’t get stressed out.”

“Avocado toast?” Sapnap said quietly, as he half reluctantly let Dream pull him into a hug with George.

Dream was a little taken aback by the food choice, though he wasn’t really sure what he was expecting Sapnap to say. Secretly, he had hoped he would have the opportunity to order himself a taco bell, but he knew that wouldn’t have happened, and he was just thankful that Sapnap was agreeing to eating. “Sounds good to me.”

He slipped his hand in Sapnap’s as they followed George through to the now stocked full kitchen. Dream sat Sapnap down at the kitchen island while he peeled avocados, and George set about making coffees. “You don’t need to do everything for me… It feels awkward.” Sapnap tried to protest.

“Nick, just let us do this, just for this evening okay?” George shushed him as he slid a coffee in front of the Texan.

“But I could’ve helped – its my house. Besides, I’m not even hungry.” Sapnap mumbled as he picked at the plate before him, adding more hot sauce.

“Baby, I think it’s because you haven’t eaten enough for so long. I know you don’t feel hungry, but you are. Let me make you dinner, one that you want to eat. We’ve been so worried about you for weeks, and it makes me feel good to look after you.”

“Why? Why do you actually want to look after me, I’m just being a burden and stupid and-”

“Nick, I love you. I care about you. You aren’t stupid or a burden or anything else. You make me happy, every day. I love talking to you, I love your laugh, I love spending time with you. I have talked to you pretty much every day since I was 12 years old, I’ve come to you with literally all of my problems, you always make me smile. Not once have you complained. Let me return the favour. Let me love you as you are.” Dream pleaded, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m crying on my toast.” He added with a chuckle, wiping his face in his sleeve.

“I don’t deserve you.” Sapnap whispered.

“You do. You deserve the world baby. And I’m sorry that you don’t feel that way right now.” George promised.

Sapnap nodded. The table fell quiet as they ate. Sapnap scraped the avocado off the toast and ate it, before picking at the corner of the bread. “Clay, I- I can’t. I-”

“It’s alright. I won’t force you to eat anything else, don’t panic. You’ve done well, okay? Let’s get you to bed, we’re all tired and I think it’s been a while since any of us had a comfortable sleep.” Dream cooed, as he placed the plates in the sink to deal with tomorrow. He returned and with a kiss on Sapnap’s forehead, scooped him up, strong arms carrying the younger to bed.

“I can walk” He squeaked in protest but buried his head in Dream’s neck anyways.

“Yeah, I know.” Dream smiled as he gently set Sapnap into bed, before sliding in next to him. He wrapped his arm around Sapnap who rested his head on Dream’s chest. George crawled in on the other side of him, curling up in a little ball and hugging Dream’s waist.

“I missed you guys. So, so much.” Dream whispered into the dark room.

Sapnap gasped, startling Dream, who picked up his head a little. “I just realised I never said hi.” The younger whispered.

“Hello baby.” Dream smiled and kissed the top of his head.

“Hello.” Sapnap giggled in response. “thank you for coming. Both of you.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” Dream replied.

“me too.” George added, reaching over dream to squeeze his hand.

“No I’m serious. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I was on my own much longer.”

“I’m being serious too baby. And we’re gonna get you help, okay. You won’t feel like this forever.” Dream whispered, running his fingers through Sapnap’s slightly damp hair. Sapnap hummed softly at the touch. For the first time in weeks, Dream fell into a deep and easy sleep, with George curled around at his side, and his hand running mindlessly over Sapnap’s hair.

Sapnap and George were with him, and they were safe.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sorry that I suck at updating things because I have ADHD :P  
> If you liked this work, then you could check out this fluffy oneshot that I wrote - trans!Sapnap gets his period and is comforted by the best boyfriends in the world. https://archiveofourown.org/works/28875747


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